Tabula Rosa
by LuckyDuck29
Summary: Post TMK. When Lulu has an accident, Spinelli and everyone else who loves her deals with the aftermath. What does it mean for all the guys in her life? Please see my profile for the link to the ld29info forum for the author’s notes.
1. Prologue: The Accident

Lulu decided she needed to go for a drive to clear her head. Usually she walked, but she didn't want to chance running into anyone and having to talk. Her feelings were conflicted and she needed to think, not to talk to people who didn't understand, or who wanted to tell her to stay away from all the guys in her life.

There were three main guys. Logan was violent, but hadn't turned out to be the killer. She had put him in a coma for nothing. That thought led her to think of Spinelli, her best friend. He had suspected Logan and Lulu hadn't wanted to believe him. She had gone to Logan's apartment to try to prove Spinelli wrong and it had backfired on her; she found evidence that supported Spinelli and Maxie's theory. But Logan had said he had only wanted to set up Johnny to make him look like the killer and it hadn't mattered to him whether or not Johnny actually had been the guy who had been terrorizing Port Charles for months. Johnny was in the mob, but he was so much more. Logan was more than he appeared to be, too.

But there was nothing hidden under Spinelli's charm and sweetness. But Spinelli had caused her to put Logan in a coma. A voice in Lulu's head, a voice that sounded exactly, annoyingly, like Maxie, screamed at her that she knew that wasn't fair. Spinelli had been trying to protect her, as always. Lulu had been the one to make the choice to try to prove him wrong and had found what she didn't want to find. She had gone over to his apartment two weeks ago, not Spinelli. She had hit him, not Spinelli. She pushed the voice away. She wasn't ready to take full responsibility for her own actions yet; she needed to blame someone, even her best friend, or she would panic at the thought of becoming like her catatonic mother.

The driver of the car in front of her honked the horn. She looked up, finally brought out of her thoughts, and saw a flash of light and a car coming toward her, trying to stop, hitting the breaks. Lulu did the same, too late. The cars collided and she lost consciousness due to head trauma resulting from the crash.

The other driver, a businessman passing through Port Charles on his way home from a meeting, suffered minor injuries, but was more concerned for the girl in the other car. She was unconscious and her head was bleeding. He called the paramedics and police immediately and waited with her, speaking to her, trying to wake her up. The poor girl was still unconscious when the paramedics took her to the hospital. He felt horrible. He knew there was nothing he could have done; she had obviously not been paying attention, but he still felt guilty. Her driver's license identified her as Leslie Lu Spencer, but one of the cops was her brother and had called her Lulu. The man hoped she made it.

"You're free to go," the other cop told him. "This was clearly an accident, Sir. There won't be any charges against you."

He left, feeling guilty and shaken. His car barely had a scratch on it and he was only cut and bruised. The success of his meeting was now buried by his worry for the young girl in the other car, who didn't look to him as if she could live through the night.


	2. Lulu's Loss

"Does Stone cold remember the Illusive Mr. Moreau?" Spinelli asked.

He was filling Jason in on his progress in catching Stan's killer.

"He was the guy who had Lulu kidnapped to get Johnny to get that shipment to him."

Spinelli nodded.

"In Stanford's possessions we found a book, HG Wells's classic, The Island of Dr. Moreau."

"Who's we?" Jason asked, scrutinizing Spinelli closely from his hospital bed.

"the Orderly One, The Wounded Blonde One and Jackal PI."

"Orderly One?"

"Cassius Kibideux."

Jason looked about to scold him for involving others, so Spinelli went on quickly.

"You were in surgery and you need to concentrate on your recovery; Cassius wants to help and Maxie, I think she needed to concentrate on something other than Wise Georgie's birthday."

Jason couldn't argue with that. Also, he knew Spinelli was affected by Georgie's birthday, too, and would have wanted some company. Jason just wasn't sure Maxie was the right company. She and Spinelli had their love of Georgie in common, but Spinelli had a tendency to become too attached to people, especially blondes who could easily use his strong feelings to get him to do whatever they wanted. Jason knew Maxie's reputation. He didn't want her getting Spinelli into trouble by pulling him into some sort of scheme that could hurt him or someone else.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing with Maxie? I mean, catching Georgie's killer was one thing, but you need to be careful."

"I have no romantic feelings for Maxie."

That wasn't entirely true, but Spinelli knew he needed to make it exactly true because he wasn't about to let Maxie hurt him the way she'd hurt Lulu's brother.

"Even if I did, she wouldn't be with me if I were the last living creature in the universe." He laughed nervously. "Don't worry; nothing is gonna happen between us; we're just two people who loved Georgie. That's all. Maybe we'll be friends for Georgie's sake, but I'm not even sure of that yet. I'll just have to see how things go."

"Just be careful."

Nadine walked in, looking upset.

"Spinelli, I need to tell you something," she said.

Her tone made both men look at her; something was obviously wrong.

"Is it your sister?" Spinelli asked.

"No, it's Lulu. She was brought in just now; she was in a car accident and has a head injury. She's unconscious."

Spinelli and Jason looked at each other and Jason started to get out of bed.

"No, Jason," Nadine said firmly. "I forbid you to get out of this bed."

"Go," Jason said to Spinelli. "We'll talk later. Let me know what happens; let me know how she is."

"OK," Spinelli said.

He walked out of Jason's hospital room and followed Nadine to the ER, feeling dazed. Lulu had been angry with him and he had honestly not been happy with her treatment of him lately, but she was still his friend. He still loved her. He didn't want to lose her, too. He couldn't handle losing her, especially not today, on Georgie's birthday, and so soon after losing Georgie herself.

Lucky looked over at him suspiciously, obviously annoyed, but didn't object to him being there. He knew Spinelli and lulu were friends and had to put up with the kid for now, even if Spinelli did work for Jason, the guy Lucky hated most in Port Charles. He couldn't pick Lulu's friends for her. If he could have, he would have kept her away from every guy she'd ever dated, starting with Dillon.

"What happened?" Spinelli asked Lucky.

"Collision; she and the other driver just couldn't avoid each other in time."

"Well, didn't the other driver see her?"

"She didn't see him; he tried to stop. We looked at the skid marks; she was at fault. The other driver was cut and bruised, nothing serious. Lulu's car was totaled, but his SUV barely has a scratch. She's been unconscious since the other driver checked on her."

Spinelli went closer, dreading what he would see, but relieved that it wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it would be. They were stitching her head and Patrick had ordered several tests. She wasn't moving, but he could see her chest rising and falling steadily.

"Hey, Blonde One," he said softly, so only she could hear.

He didn't want to hear Lucky commenting on his habit of referring to people by nicknames or yelling at him for being different now; he wasn't in the mood. He was being himself with Lulu, as always, and he was hoping if she knew her best friend was with her she'd wake up, even if only to castigate him again for telling her what they had on Logan and causing her to go over to his apartment to prove him wrong only to have it backfire on her. She blamed him for her decision to go through Logan's apartment.

"Can you hear me? Wake up, Lulu, please?"

As he pleaded with her, he had to force away the image of Georgie lying dead in the snow. He had begged her to breathe and attempted CPR, but he'd been too late to save her. He sent a silent, desperate prayer for Georgie to bring Lulu back to him.

She didn't wake up in the ER, so they brought her to a room while they waited for her to regain consciousness, and for the test results to come back. Lucky reluctantly left Spinelli alone with her while he went to go call the rest of the family and tell them what had happened.

Spinelli sat on the edge of her bed, still talking to her, still begging her to wake up and still fighting off the memory of finding Georgie's body in the park.

After Lucky had been gone for a minute or two, Lulu finally opened her eyes. Spinelli pulled her into his arms, giving her a tight hug, thanking the Gods and Goddesses.

"Hi," he said, fighting back tears of relief. "How do you feel?"

"My head hurts," she said in a small, scared voice. "What happened?" she looked around the room. "Where am I?"

She tried to sit up.

"No," he said gently, putting his hand on her shoulder to keep her from trying to get up, "just relax; you're in the hospital. You were in a car accident, but you're gonna be OK."

She looked at him strangely. He was suddenly sure she was going to remember that she was furious with him and start yelling at him. If that was the case, he would gladly take it. He was too relieved that she was still alive to yell at him to try to argue or make her see that he had wanted her to be careful and she'd done the exact opposite, as usual.

"Who are you?"

"What?" he asked, confused. "It is I, The Jackal."

She looked as confused as he felt.

"Jackal? Who am I?"

He stared at her. She was beginning to look terrified.

"Who am I? Why can't I remember anything? What's going on?"

"Relax,' he said, fighting hard not to show his own panic. "I don't know exactly what's going on, but I'll get a doctor."

"No," she cried, grabbing his hand, "Please, don't leave me!"

"What's going on?" Lucky asked, having come into the room just as Spinelli had tried to leave to get a doctor.

"She can't remember anything," Spinelli said without turning away from her. "She doesn't know me, or even her own name."

"I'll get Dr. Drake," Lucky said, running out of the room again.

"Please, tell me what's going on!" Lulu begged. "Tell me something, anything! Who was that guy?"

"OK, first, your name is Leslie Lu Spencer, but everyone calls you Lulu. I'm your best friend, Damien Spinelli. I'm also The Jackal, the Ace of Cyberspace, the Assassin of the Internet. Everyone just calls me Spinelli. That guy who just ran to get Dr. Drake was your brother, Lucky."

She began to relax.

"You said I was in a car accident?"

He nodded.

"You hit your head; you needed stitches and you were unconscious until just a few minutes ago."

Patrick walked in with Nadine and Epiphany.

"I need you to back away so I can examine her," Patrick told Spinelli.

"No," Lulu said, panicking again, holding Spinelli's hand tighter.

"I won't leave your view, but Dr. Drake needs to examine you and he can't do it with me in his way," Spinelli told her in a soothing voice.

"OK," she said reluctantly.

She didn't remember this guy, but she liked his kind eyes and gentle manner.

Patrick asked her very specific questions as he examined her. She didn't know the date, her age or her parents' names. She told him Spinelli had told her about himself, her name and Lucky. At Lucky's disapproving look, Spinelli explained that she'd been scared and had asked him to tell her anything.

"It's OK, Lucky," Patrick said firmly. "Spinelli needed to make her relax and he did."

"Why can't I remember anything?" Lulu demanded, frustrated.

"This type of head trauma can often result in memory loss," Patrick said calmly. "Don't force anything to come; it'll come back naturally."

"But it will come back?"

"Possibly, or it may never come back. It may come back tomorrow; we just don't know at this point."

Lulu gave Spinelli another panicked look. She knew intellectually that Lucky was her brother, but something about Spinelli made her trust him instinctively and he was the one she wanted to reassure her.

"Can you stay?" she asked Spinelli when Patrick was through with his examination.

He nodded, moving back over to her as Luke and Leslie rushed into the room. Patrick and Lucky took them outside to explain the situation.

They talked until the pain medication Patrick had given her kicked in. Spinelli filled her in on her family as Lucky and Patrick were explaining Lulu's condition to Luke and Leslie. Lulu listened with fascination, as if he were telling her a story about another person. Spinelli supposed that was how she seemed now, a stranger in her own body. He wondered how he would react if he'd lost his memory. The only family he had was his Granny in Oakfield, Tennessee. Everyone in Port Charles would be strangers to him, probably even Stone Cold, who was the closest thing Spinelli would ever have to a brother.

After Lulu fell asleep, Spinelli went to give Jason an update. He was sympathetic, having lost the first twenty years of his life the same way. He had never regained his memories of those first twenty years.

Visiting hours ended as they finished their conversation and Spinelli left, feeling worried and exhausted. Having no appetite, he decided not to stop at Kelly's for dinner as he'd originally planned. He went directly to Casa De Stone Cold and began to research memory loss, hoping there was something in Cyberspace that could help him help Lulu.


	3. Sharing Information

At the start of visiting hours the next day, a man came into Lulu's room.

"Is this how you plan to get out of paying for what you did to my son?" he demanded furiously. "You're gonna fake memory loss? You're gonna fake being like your mother? Why didn't you just go all the way and pretend to be catatonic?"

She stared at him, genuinely scared and confused.

"Who are you? What are you talking about? Who's your-""

Quit playing games with me, Lulu!"

"Leave her alone!" a familiar voice said angrily from the doorway.

She looked behind the stranger, at least she thought he was a stranger, with relief. Spinelli stood there, looking a little scared, but very angry and very determined.

"Fair Lulu has been traumatized enough without-"

"You're going along with it, of course. You think this is gonna get her to notice you? She'll dump you just like she did before."

"Spinelli, what's he talking about? Who is he? Wait; I know we're friends. Were we a couple before? Did I hurt you?"

"Mr. Baldwin, another voice said from behind Spinelli, "why are you upsetting my patient?"

Epiphany stood there, imposing, stern and ready to spit fire.

"Formidable Nurse Epiphany has impeccable timing," Spinelli said, smiling at her.

"Who's his son, Spinelli?" Lulu asked. "What did I do to him?"

"You explain that to her if you have to," Epiphany said, "but if you upset her any further I'll throw you out just like I'm about to do to the Special Prosecutor here."

"I won't upset her," Spinelli promised, approaching the chair by Lulu's bed, squeezing past Scott.

"My son is-" Scott began.

"Waiting for you!" Epiphany finished, raising her voice over his. "Now are you gonna go to his room or am I gonna have you escorted out of this hospital so you'll leave Ms. Spencer alone? I don't wanna see you near this patient again!"

Scott left, throwing dark looks at Spinelli and lulu until he couldn't see them anymore.

Spinelli sat down and began to explain the situation with Logan and the Text Message Killer. He was careful about what he told her. He knew from his research, and from what Patrick and Dr. Winters had told him this morning, that Lulu's memory needed the chance to come back on its own. She couldn't be upset, if possible, and she couldn't be given too much information. An emotional shock might bring back her memory, but it might also do more damage.

But it wasn't in his nature to lie to his friends, which was evident every time he tried. He always got caught. He would have to be careful, but honest.

"So this guy, Logan, was my boyfriend and you thought he was the Text Message Killer?"

He nodded.

"And I found evidence to support your claim, but he turned out not to be the killer?"

He nodded again.

"Why is his father so angry with me?"

"You were afraid of him. After finding all that incriminating evidence, you feared he would hurt you, so when he tried to grab you, you hit him with a wrench. He's in a coma now."

"But if he wasn't the killer, why did he have all that stuff I found?"

"You care about someone he doesn't like. He wanted to frame that person for the murders so you would stay away from him and he would go to prison."

"Did he frame the real killer?"

"No, Johnny was innocent, too."

"If you warned me about Logan, why would I go over to his apartment?"

"He was your boyfriend and you wanted to prove me wrong."

"So I end up not listening to you and get myself into a dangerous situation where I have to protect myself by hitting someone with a wrench and putting him in a coma?"

"You tend to frequently put yourself in danger."

"Why?"

"You have a mind of your own."

She knew he was being cautious and why. It frustrated her that she didn't understand all the details and that people were keeping them from her, but she understood that he didn't want to cause her further damage.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly.

"What for?"

"I only wanted to protect you; I never wanted you to be in danger and the accident you were in last night is partly my fault."

"Why would you say that?"

"I had no hard evidence against Logan, but I told you my suspicions, anyway. I was so intent on trying to protect you that I-"

"Tried to warn me against a potential threat? How dare you do what best friends are supposed to do, especially when you are my best friend!"

She smiled at him, trying to make him wipe that guilty look off his face.

"You don't understand. I- I had already lost one friend to the Text Message Killer and I didn't wanna lose you, too. I selfishly told you about Logan because I needed to know I was doing something to try to keep you safe. You were so angry with me after you hit Logan and we found out he was innocent."

"I'm the one who hit him. Why would I be angry with you?"

"I'm the one who told you he might be the killer."

"What else were you supposed to do, let him kill me if he was the killer? Were you supposed to give him the chance to kill again?"

"But he was innocent and you hit him."

"I hit him, not you, and if I'd had the brains to listen to you I never would have been in a position where I had to hit him. I should have just waited to see what happened instead of rushing over there to prove you wrong. I know he was my boyfriend, but no one with half a brain would do what I did."

"You followed your heart."

"And look where it got me and Logan, me with no memory and him in a coma. None of it was your fault, Spinelli. You were just trying to be a good friend."

"You didn't see it that way before you lost your memory."

"Well, I have a different perspective now."

He hoped he wasn't unintentionally hindering her recovery. He was trying to be selectively honest without being deceptive and he knew there was a very thin line between the two.

"You don't seem to like this Logan guy."

"I don't," he said cautiously.

"What was my attraction to him?"

"You've tried to explain it to me several times. I honestly still don't get it and I- I've needed to try to just accept it. It was either accept it or risk losing your friendship and I didn't wanna do that, especially not after losing Georgie."

"Who's Georgie and how did you lose him?"

"Georgie was a girl. She was my friend. She found out who the Text Message Killer was and he killed her a few days before Christmas."

"That's awful! I'm so sorry! Was I her friend, too?"

"That's complicated. You did something that hurt her. You regretted it later; you were genuinely sorry and she forgave you, but you weren't exactly friends. You didn't hate each other either, at least not by the time I met you both, but- her sister, Maxie, was the one who couldn't let it go and I don't know if she ever will. Maxie can hold a grudge for a very long time. She used to hate me because I was so devoted to you and because I'm- I'm- not exactly normal. Most guys are good-looking, athletic and powerful. I'm- well, I'm The Jackal; what you see is what you get. I have no athletic skills to speak of and before I met you, Stone Cold and Georgie my best friend was my computer. Things are changing slowly between Maxie and me because of Georgie and our mutual endeavors to catch the one who took her from us, but it's too soon to say whether we're really friends or whether Maxie was just being nice to me yesterday because it was Georgie's birthday and we talked at her grave."

"Stone Cold?"

Spinelli blushed.

"I'm sorry; I tend to give people nicknames. They help me organize my thoughts, and with my friends they're terms of respect or endearment."

"Really? Interesting. What's your nickname for me?"

"Blonde One."

She picked a lock of her hair off the pillow and ran it through her fingers, smiling.

"I can see why. Who's stone Cold?"

"Jason Morgan, my friend and employer. You lived with us for a short time when your life got complicated and you needed a place to stay."

"So this girl, Maxie, and I are not friends."

"Not even close; you hate her as much as, if not more than, I hate The Unworthy-" He stopped himself, remembering that his nicknames would confuse her even more. "Logan."

"I hope she's your friend; it sounds like you two really need each other now. Besides, maybe if she's friends with you she and I can patch things up and make things easier for you."

He smiled. Before losing her memory, that never would have crossed Lulu's mind. He felt a pang of guilt at the thought that without her memory, Lulu was a much more thoughtful and logical person.

"Tell me about how we became friends, and don't be afraid to use your nicknames. We're friends and I wanna get to know you again, like I did before. I want you to be yourself with me. You can explain who you mean and if I get confused I'll stop you and we'll get it straight."

He told her about working for Evil Al and the two of them being kidnapped.

"So that was one of the times I deliberately put myself in danger?"

"No, you were an innocent. I was the one in danger; you were in danger because of me. I was too naïve to see the trouble I'd caused myself and others and you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"But you rescued me?"

He shook his head.

"No, Stone Cold did. I fled while you two were distracted."

He looked away, his face reddening with shame.

"You were scared."

"But I left you."

"We barely knew each other."

"I ran to my Granny in Tennessee and you and Stone Cold tracked me down there, Evil Al's minions following close behind. I not only put you in danger; I endangered my Granny, as well. She's OK, but things could have been so much worse."

"But we're all safe."

He nodded, smiling at her positive attitude.

"So you and I became friends because we were kidnapped together, and by association you and Jason became friends?"

"Yeah, I needed a place to stay and you asked him if I could stay with him. He agreed and I've been living there since then."

"How long?"

"Over a year."

"You're not still in danger from this guy, Alcazar, are you?"

"No, he was killed several months ago. That was actually what sparked the text message killings; the killer was his son, Diego, and wanted to avenge his father."

"I still don't understand. Why do you consider yourself responsible for my accident?"

"I was told that the driver of the other car couldn't stop, that you didn't see him. You've been upset over what happened to Logan. If you were upset and distracted while you were driving-"

"Then I shouldn't have been driving in the first place. As for your part in what happened to Logan, what if you'd been right and he'd been the killer? You already lost one friend because no one knew who he was at the time. If you'd been right and Logan had killed me you and I wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

He didn't say anything.

"Spinelli, ever since I woke up in this bed last night, the only time I've felt safe is when I was with you. Everyone else is a stranger to me. I mean, so are you, but you just radiate this aura of protection and safety. You're not constantly asking me if I'm OK or if I remember something or someone or how I'm feeling. You talk to me like a normal person. You treat me the same as anybody else and I love that. I'm not afraid to ask you anything. I'm not afraid to talk to you. I need that right now. The accident was in no way your fault. You're a good friend, Spinelli, and I only hope I had the brains to know that when I had my memory."

She moved to hug him. He smiled as he returned the hug, thinking their friendship was finally back on track, even if she didn't remember him.

"I need to go for a while," he said when they broke apart, "but I'll be back later. Stone Cold is also here; he injured his hands trying to save two damsels in distress from Darth Diego and needed surgery. I need to go talk to him."

"OK, see you later."

She smiled as she watched him leave. He'd been the only reason her memory loss hadn't sent her into a screaming panic. She only hoped she'd been, and would be, as good a friend to him as he'd been to her.


	4. Budding Friendship

Maxie stared at her cell, sitting at Spinelli's usual table at Kelly's, wondering if she should call him. She had to do something today and didn't want to do it alone, but she had heard about what had happened the night before with Lulu and figured he probably would be at the hospital, anyway. Besides, as she was just finishing up her volunteer work for the night, she had been passing Jason's room and had overheard what Spinelli had told him.

"I have no romantic feelings for Maxie, and even if I did, she wouldn't be with me if I were the last living creature in the universe."

He had also said he wasn't exactly sure if they were even friends. She had suddenly realized she had begun to consider him a friend. They had both loved Georgie, even if Spinelli hadn't loved her in the way she'd wanted. But that day in the sewer she had really seen him as a person for the first time. She had seen the vulnerable person behind his Jackal persona and had an idea now of why he needed to be The Jackal. There were several reasons, she thought, but one was to protect himself from the kind of scrutiny she had given him that day. She had demanded that he separate himself from his fantasy life and he had, for a few minutes. But when he'd needed confidence, or when he'd needed to try to fight the chloroform, he had reverted back to The Jackal. But he was much deeper than his Cyberspace persona; The Jackal was both a mask and a shield, as well as another manifestation of Spinelli's bubble, his personal space. The Jackal kept people at bay, to an extent that was determined by Spinelli's view of its necessity, while protecting him from his own inadequacies, both real and of his imagination.

She looked at her watch and jumped up. Her appointment was in fifteen minutes; she had to hurry. There would be time to talk to Spinelli later, about a few things. She hoped there was something she wouldn't have to tell him because she didn't know whether or not she wanted it to be true. After this appointment, she would know for sure. If it was true, she hoped he considered her his friend enough to give her the moral support she desperately was going to need.

Later, she ran out of the office in a panic. What was she going to do? Even worse, how could she do it alone? Mack couldn't know; no one could know. But she needed to confide in someone. She didn't want to tell Sam and she couldn't tell Mack or Robin. Who could she tell?

An image of Spinelli suddenly popped into her head. He would keep her secret. Hadn't she been thinking that morning that he would give her moral support? She needed to find him.

On his way from Jason's room back to Lulu's, Spinelli saw Maxie, pale as a ghost, running toward him.

"Spinelli, thank God! Can we go somewhere and talk, please? I need-" she broke off. This would determine whether or not he wanted her friendship. She knew for sure that she wanted his, but would he be able to forgive and forget all the horrible things she'd said and done to him in the past? "I need a friend."

"Let's go back to Casa De Stone Cold," he said without hesitation. "I need to talk to you, too, and you've just answered one of my questions."

At the penthouse, he poured himself a glass of orange soda and put on a pot of coffee for her. She was a little calmer now, but he didn't like how pale she looked. She was at the hospital. Was it her heart?

"First," he said, sitting next to her on the couch, "tell me why you look so scared."

She looked into his eyes, trying not to cry, and took another deep breath.

"I'm pregnant."

He looked surprised, but she could tell he was not judging her."

Cooper's the father," he said with finality.

Her first instinct, born of her panic and fear, was to snap at him that of course Cooper was the father, but she fought it and nodded. It had been a statement, not a question.

"You just found out today?"

She nodded again.

"Spinelli, I'm scared! I can't raise this baby alone; I can't tell Mack. What am I gonna do!"

"The first thing you need to do is calm down. This is not good for you or the baby. Maybe coffee wasn't such a good idea. Actually, caffeine is not good for pregnant women; I wish you'd told me before I gave you the coffee. Take a few deep breaths and think of something that makes you feel safe."

"That's the problem, Spinelli; I don't feel safe anymore! I haven't since Coop died!"

He put a protective arm around her, giving her enough room to pull away if she wanted. She moved closer and put her head on his shoulder, starting to cry. She wasn't hysterical, just scared and missing her sister and boyfriend. If Georgie was alive, she'd have been the one Maxie was giving this news. He let her cry quietly for a while, not speaking, not moving.

"Have you told anyone else?" he asked gently.

She lifted her head.

"No, only you and Dr. Lee know."

"You're gonna need your family. I'll help you as your friend, but you're really gonna need the support of your family to help you decide what to do and to help you carry out which ever decision you make."

"I know; I just don't know how to tell Mack."

"Would you like me to be with you when you tell him?"

She smiled.

"Thank you, but that would probably be a very bad idea. He might get the idea that you're the father and try to kill you."

"Good point, but I'll risk it if you need the support."

She hugged him briefly.

"You would risk that to help a friend, wouldn't you?"

He nodded.

"Why don't you tell Everyday Hero Samantha or Dr. Robin first; then they can be with you when you tell The Constant Commissioner."

She began to relax.

"Good idea."

"You would have thought of it yourself had your thinking not been clouded by panic."

"You're probably right," she said, grinning at him.

"You loved Cooper," he said quietly.

"Yeah, I did."

"Do you want his baby?"

"Coop and I never discussed what we'd do if I got pregnant. I know that was really stupid, especially since we didn't always use protection."

Spinelli didn't say it, but now he understood why Jason had given him the looks he had when he'd told him about his fear of being addicted to sex because he couldn't stop fantasizing about Jolene. For the first time, he completely understood the term over share.

"But do you want his baby?"

"I don't know if I can be a good mother. Look at Felicia; being a spy was more important to her than being a mother. My real dad couldn't even show up for Georgie's funeral. What kind of parent would I be?"

"Have you ever pictured yourself as a mother?"

She shook her head.

"I never really thought about it, but when I did I always said I'd be a better mother than Felicia was, but now that I'm pregnant-" She spread her hands. "But it's Coop's baby; it's part of him."

"It's part of you, too."

"That's part of what scares me."

"This baby will be the best of you and Cooper."

"But I can barely take care of myself."

"I think the first thing you need to do is tell your family."

"Mack's gonna hit the roof; I know it."

"He loves you. It'll be OK."

"I'll tell Robin first. She's a doctor, and she's pregnant herself."

"She is?"

"Oops! No one is supposed to know yet."

"The Jackal will keep the secret."

He smiled, feeling a mixture of happiness for Dr. Robin and regret that he hadn't been able to comply when she'd asked him to be the sperm donor. He was glad she'd finally found someone to father her progeny.


	5. Confessions and Decisions

She looked at him thoughtfully, then said, "I kind of overheard what you said to Jason last night. I wasn't eavesdropping; I was just finishing my volunteer work and passing his room. I heard you tell him I wouldn't be with you if you were the last living creature in the universe."

Spinelli's face reddened.

"I heard you tell him you weren't sure if we were really friends; I can see why you would doubt that. To be honest, I never hated you; it was your devotion to Lulu that I hated. Every guy she meets-" she broke off, not wanting to go there. "Anyway, it was never you. I didn't like that you-" She paused. She wished she could find a way to say this in a way that would not seem as if she were throwing Georgie's feelings for him in his face again. "I didn't like that you didn't notice Georgie."

He nodded, knowing she was only being honest with him, not trying to be cruel.

"I wanted to make you and everyone else as miserable as I was; Georgie said that more than once and she was right. I had a good thing with Coop and I blew it by making that bet with Logan. I hated everyone, including myself. I wanted to punish everyone around me for every bad thing that ever happened to me; BJ dying, my failing heart, my mom leaving, my own mistakes, everything. But I'm starting to see what Georgie saw in you; I'm starting to understand why Lulu and Jason are your friends. I honestly don't picture us ever being a couple, and I'm not saying that to be mean."

"I know; I don't either; we're just too different."

She nodded, relaxing.

"But I really do wanna be your friend, not just because of Georgie, but because you helped me when I really needed a friend, even when I was horrible to you, even when you couldn't stand me."

"I never hated you either; I just hated the way you treated people."

"Especially Lulu."

"And your sister at times, and I'm not saying that to be mean either."

She sighed.

"I deserve to have you mean that in a mean way."

"That's not what friends do. They're honest, but not cruel."

"I was cruel."

"You're not anymore, at least not to me."

She looked at him sadly.

"If I'd seen in you then what I do now, my last conversation with Georgie would have been a good one. I was so mean to both of you, and after I'd just gotten through telling you both that I wanted us to all be friends."

"What happened?" he asked, knowing she needed to get this off her chest.

"She was trying to convince me that Coop could have been the killer; she was telling me about the information you found on him and that strangled soldier and I- I threw you in her face. I said she was jealous because I had a great guy and she lost Dillon to Lulu and couldn't even get a-"

She broke off. She couldn't finish this. She didn't want him to hate her.

"Go on. I won't get angry."

"I said she couldn't even get a- a total loser like you to notice her."

"At the time, you agreed with the general consensus of people who don't really know me but think they do. That is no longer the case with you."

The words hurt him, but not as much as they would have before. He could see she was sorry.

"Georgie would forgive you," he said gently, "as do I."

"Thank you," she said sincerely.

She kissed his cheek, surprising him.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to violate your bubble again."

"No, The Jackal's bubble is in place only for people who are not his friends; The Wounded Blonde One no longer falls under that category."

She smiled, then looked serious.

"I don't wanna be mean anymore."

"Good; I'll try to help you be nice."

She gave him another sad smile.

"I used to wanna see you as the geek that no one would ever fall for and who people only said was their friend because they felt sorry for you, or because they could use you for your Cyber skills and manipulate you into doing anything they wanted. I used to wanna think that was why Lulu kept you around, because you would have done anything for her just to get her to notice you. I know now that you did it because you honestly care about her; you would have gotten her out of some of her messes even if you didn't like her because that's the kind of person you are. I wanted to pretend you were nothing but a Cyber geek just so I could feel better about myself. It didn't work; it never works when I try to hurt someone to make me feel better. What I did to my mom at Georgie's funeral only made me hate myself for making it about my feelings and totally disregarding the fact that Georgie didn't feel the same way and would have wanted Felicia there."

"I don't know what I would have done in your position."

"You would have honored Georgie and not been selfish."

He smiled, then went to the kitchen to pour himself another soda. This time he brought back a glass of milk for her. She wrinkled her nose at it, wishing she could have more coffee, but he was right. Caffeine would hurt the baby. She accepted it with sincere thanks.

"I hate to say this, and if you ever tell Lulu if she gets her memory back I'll deny it, but I kind of understand the position she was in now. What if having an abortion is my only option?"

"The Blonde One made the choice she did because her pregnancy was unwanted. Part of your decision will have to be based on whether or not you want this child. There's also your health to consider. Is it safe for you to have a baby?"

"Dr. Lee said as long as I'm careful it shouldn't be a problem."

"Lulu doesn't remember having the abortion; she remembers nothing. I've told her some things because she needs to know, but we all have to be very careful what we say and how we say it."

"So you don't want me to bring up her pregnancy or the abortion."

He nodded to show that she was right.

"She knows she hurt Georgie, but not how. She knows you're angry with her for what she did. She's hoping that you and she can become friends, which would make things easier on me because you're both my friends. As my friend, will you agree to try, or at least to be civil to The Blonde One?"

Maxie thought for a long moment. Lulu had broken up Georgie's marriage. What if Georgie had still been with Dillon when Diego was terrorizing the city? Maybe she would still be alive.

"No," a voice said in her head. "She wanted to save you. She was determined to find out who the killer was and she would have gone into that park, anyway. Besides, if she and Dillon had really been meant to be together, he never would have slept with Lulu in the first place."

That voice sounded like Spinelli.

"You want Spinelli's friendship," another voice said. This one sounded like Georgie. "Lulu's his friend, too, and she's very important to him. If you wanna be his friend, you have to try with Lulu. You're the only one who won't let go of what she did; everyone else has moved on. Georgie forgave her, too. It's time for you to decide what's more important; your future and your friendship with Spinelli or a past that everyone else has forgiven and your hatred for Lulu."

She didn't have many friends; only Sam, and now Spinelli. He really was a good person and she needed his friendship, both because he understood how lost she was without Georgie and because he was not judging her about her pregnancy. She knew most of the rest of the town would, including Lulu, when and if she got her memory back. Besides, she honestly liked his sweetness, charm, innocence and honesty. He was loyal to a fault and she'd never had anyone besides Georgie be truly loyal to her before. It didn't even really bother her that she would have to share that loyalty with Lulu.

"I agree."

"Excellent!" he said, beaming, thinking that maybe Lulu's memory loss would bring about some welcome changes, but still hoping that her loss of memory was only temporary.

Maxie went back to the hospital with Spinelli. She wanted to tell Robin about the baby.

Lulu smiled awkwardly at Maxie after Spinelli introduced her.

"Hi," she said cautiously.

"Hi," Maxie said, keeping her tone and expression neutral.

They stared uncomfortably at each other for a few seconds.

"I have to go now," Maxie said, giving Spinelli a significant look. "I need to go find Robin. Feel better, Lulu."

"Thanks, and I'm sorry about your sister, if I didn't tell you before I lost my memory."

"You did, but thanks."

"Who's Robin?" Lulu asked Spinelli when Maxie left.

As he began to explain, Spinelli was suddenly struck by how odd it was explaining people Lulu had known all her life to her when he'd only been in Port Charles a little over a year.

Telling Robin was easier than Maxie had thought it would be, but she knew telling Mack would be the hard part. Robin agreed to be with her when she told him; they would go back to the house after Robin's shift.

Mack's reaction wasn't as bad as Maxie had feared, but it wasn't exactly good either. He had lectured her on protection, stating several times that he shouldn't have to tell her this; she was old enough to know better. He brought up the same concern Spinelli had about her heart, but in a much angrier tone. Robin was the one to explain Maxie's need to be careful and follow the doctors' instructions. It wouldn't just be Dr. Lee either; Dr. Julian was going to have to monitor both Maxie and the baby regularly to make sure the pregnancy, and Maxie's activities, were not too much of a strain on Maxie's borrowed heart, as Maxie frequently called it.

Maxie had been thinking about it all day and had come to the conclusion that she had only one option; there was only one thing she wanted, and that was to keep her baby. It was Coop's baby and she loved it already. Her child with Coop was growing inside her, a part of both of them. She couldn't kill it; she had already lost Georgie, then Coop. She wasn't going to throw away Coop's last gift to her. They had made love before he died; that must have been when she conceived. No matter what happened, she was keeping her baby.

Later, she called Spinelli and told him. Mack had listened to her decision and had not argued. He knew Maxie needed something positive and apologized for reacting so strongly. If this baby would help ease some of her pain, he would gladly help her in any way he could.

Spinelli was relieved to hear that Mack had been less angry than she'd thought. He was also glad The soon to be Maternal Blonde One had decided to keep her baby. Maxie needed someone to love who would not judge her, criticize her or make her feel bad because of her past mistakes. Babies only knew that the person holding them loved them, fed, burped and changed them and made them feel better when they cried. Maxie's child would know her for who she was, not what she did. Spinelli's instincts told him she would be a good mother.


	6. Honesty

"I met Carly," Lulu said the next day. "Well, I knew her from what you told me, but I didn't remember her, so it felt like I was meeting her for the first time. My dad, brothers and grandmother have been here a few times, too, as well as my aunt, the nurse, um-"

"Bobbie."

"Yeah, Carly's mother, right?"

He nodded and she sighed, frustrated.

"I feel like I need some sort of cheat sheet so I know who my own family members are."

"Would that help you? I can make one."

She smiled, but hesitated.

"It's no trouble; I can do it now."

"Thank you."

He picked up a pad and pencil that were on the table by her bed side, not wanting to use his laptop. He would have to leave the room to go to a designated area for that. He made her a table with names, their relationship to her and a description of the person. He included friends, as well as family, and had another category for people like Scott Baldwin. As much as he hated including Johnny Zacchara, he had to in case he came to see her. To be safe, he also included Trevor Lancing with a note that she should try to avoid him if at all possible. In her current condition, he might manipulate her into doing something dangerous. Spinelli wasn't entirely sure The Senior Sith Lord hadn't assisted the illusive Mr. Moreau in Fair Lulu's kidnapping.

"According to what you wrote here," she said, reading the table, "Johnny Zacchara's my friend and possibly someone I have feelings for?"

He nodded.

"You got angry with me once for trying to get you to admit it, but I know it from your attitude. You kept talking about how he chose the life he led and it was his choice. You pretended you didn't care when you obviously did. You can't seem to make up your mind between Johnny and Logan."

He had reservations about telling her this much, but he didn't want her to be surprised, scared or confused if and when Johnny showed up to visit.

"Wait a minute. A guy named Milo came to visit me last night and said he was my friend."

"He is."

"He told me we met when Jason and I went to track you down in Tennessee and that you and he, and a guy named Dillon, got into a competition for me."

"Yes, but you chose Logan instead of one of us."

First I was trying to choose between you and two other guys. Then I don't choose any of you and I end up choosing Logan, but now I can't choose between him and Johnny?"

"You have a lot of thinking to do when you get your memory back."

"If I get my memory back."

"You will."

"I'm not so sure."

She put the paper on her table, then looked at him.

"I still don't understand my reasoning. I mean, from what you and everyone else I've seen have told me, Logan is a creep. Lucky, Carly, Nikolas, my dad, they all hate him and so do you, and you don't seem like someone who hates many people."

"I'm not."

"I don't remember Milo, Dillon or Johnny and I haven't seen them yet, but you're so different from everyone's description of Logan. I mean, what was it? Did I just not know what I wanted?"

"I think you're the only one who can answer that question."

"If I get my memory back," she sighed. "It must not have been easy for you to watch me with Logan or Johnny."

He shook his head.

"Why did you put up with me?"

"I love you. I've accepted that I can't have your love romantically, but we are friends."

"Was I a good friend before I lost my memory?"

He suddenly realized he could be honest with her now in a way that he couldn't before. He could tell her the truth without her getting angry with him. He didn't know if she would retain these memories if the rest of her memory came back; he knew that sometimes patients who regained their memories lost the memories they had made before they had regained the originals.

"You were, but sometimes it was like you were two different people. There was you, similar to the way you are now. You were gentle, kind, sympathetic, caring. You thought about other people's feelings and told me what a good friend I was. Then there were times when my friendship inconvenienced you, like when I tried to warn you about Logan possibly being the killer, or when I called you on your feelings for Johnny, or when I and everyone else tried to warn you against Logan when you first decided to become romantically involved with him."

"What did I do then?"

"You became angry with me and pushed me away. You did it in different ways; when I tried to get you to admit how you felt about The Septic Son you used The Crabby Commando to make me go away."

"Did I make him hurt you?" she asked, obviously afraid of his answer.

"No," he said quickly, "nothing like that; you would never do that. You just invited him to join us. I didn't wanna spend time with him, so I left."

"I knew you would, didn't I?"

He nodded.

"I'm sorry."

"It's OK; I forgave you immediately. I should have let you-"

"No, you shouldn't have. You have a right to express your feelings and no one gets to tell you to shut up or make you go away."

Then his nickname for Johnny registered and she became curious.

"Why is Johnny the Septic Son?"

"He's the son of a mobster, a Demented Denison of Darkness named Anthony Zacchara, who tried to kill you because he didn't want his son to have a girlfriend. The day we met Johnny he pointed a gun at me and Stone Cold because we surprised him. We were looking for you. We were worried because you'd been upset and had gone missing and we found you with him. His first impulse was to pull out his gun and wave it in your direction. He's not as bad as I originally thought, but then my thoughts were clouded by my desire to have you fall in love with me. But he's still dangerous because of his impulsive nature and his unbalanced father."

After a brief silence, she looked thoughtful.

"It sounds like I made our friendship pretty rocky."

"Well, I haven't always been supportive either."

"What was the worst thing I ever did to you?"

"Why would you wanna know something like that?"

"I wanna gage my former self; I don't know how else to describe it. I- I wanna get a sense of what I would do and how far I would go to get what I wanted."

"It doesn't matter what you did before; the past is-"

"Non-existent to me. I need to know what I did and what I was capable of doing."

"OK," he said reluctantly. "You and Stone Cold were having an argument once and I took his side; it was a very important subject and we all felt strongly about it. You told me to shut up and said I was a melodramatic geek who knew nothing about life outside Cyberspace."

"Ouch!"

She looked shocked and horrified.

"But it was very true at the time; I lived in a fantasy world a lot of the time and sometimes I still do, but I've had many life changing experiences since then and you didn't mean what you said even when it was true. You apologized; you regretted it even before I left you and Stone cold to talk alone."

"That doesn't make it OK. I'm so sorry!"

"You don't kneed to apologize again; it was a long time ago."

She was silent again, then she asked, "what was the worst thing you ever did to me?"

"I'm not sure how you would gage that. I guess all I can do is tell you some of the things I've done and let you decide for yourself. I think the worst thing I ever did to you was knock you unconscious."

She stared at him.

"OK, I know already that you would never hurt me without a reason. What did I do?"

"It was during the Black and White Ball your brother and his girlfriend, Emily, threw on Halloween."

"I know about the ball and what happened to Emily."

"Anthony Zacchara wanted to kill you because you were seeing his son. You wanted to draw him out so he could be killed; you wanted to use yourself as bate. He's insane; he would have killed you. I tried to reason with you, but you wouldn't listen. I said I wouldn't let you leave and you said, 'watch me,' and strode to the door of the stable we were holed up in without a second look back. I panicked and I delivered a strategic blow to your beautiful Blonde head."

He looked at her nervously, afraid this would be the thing that made her angry with him all over again.

"Well, maybe if I'd lost my memory when you hit me instead of when I got into a car accident I wouldn't have been stupid enough to put myself in a position where I had to get away from someone I thought was trying to hurt me by hitting him over the head with a wrench."

"Please don't say that; I already feel responsible for you losing your memory. I gave you information that I selfishly needed you to have even though I had no hard proof. If I hadn't done that, you wouldn't have done what you did and you might not have gotten into the car accident that put you in this situation."

"That was when I hit Logan with the wrench, right?"

He nodded.

"I also told you a lie to try to keep you from getting involved with him. I told you he was your half brother."

She laughed.

"I'm sorry, but did you honestly think that would work? That's like something out of a soap opera!"

'You remember soap operas?"

"Not really, but I've been watching them; there's not much else to watch when you're laid up in a hospital bed, unless you wanna watch talk shows, which are even worse."

"True," he laughed. "Then I once told Stone cold that The Crabby Commando had punch The Jackal and forced a kiss on your unwilling lips."

"Was it true?"

"Yes, but you were already with him at the time and I must admit my motives were mixed. I didn't want Stone Cold to hurt The Knuckle Scraper, only to scare him to keep him from hurting you, and maybe into leaving Port Charles so- so I could prove my worthiness to you without him interfering. But my very wise friend told me you can't make someone love you by eliminating the competition. I had already known that, but in my eagerness to make you love me I forgot it. But my main reason for telling my mentor was that I needed to vent. Logan had already hurt you once and I couldn't understand why you couldn't see that he would hurt you again."

"Did he?"

"Yes, and you broke up with him, but took him back again."

"Not a smart thing to do."

"You have a mind of your own."

"Apparently I don't think with my mind."

He blushed.

"Do you know if I slept with Logan?"

"You did."

"And what about the others?"

"Dillon, yes, but I don't think you slept with Milo or Johnny."

"And you?"

"No."

"So I'm fickle, but not promiscuous."

"I don't know about fickle; confused, maybe, but you're definitely not promiscuous."

"That's a relief. Maybe I can figure out what I want before I get my memory back. Dr. Winters and Dr. Drake said I should keep a diary and write down my thoughts and feelings. Dr. Winters said it can help me sort things out and might even help me get my memory back if I write down things I remember. I started it yesterday."

"The Jackal is amazed at how well The Blonde One is handling this. I don't think I could be so calm if I'd lost my memory."

"You're the one who made it easy for me to be calm; you were so gentle and soothing the night I woke up here. I felt like everyone else was expecting something from me that I couldn't deliver and you made me feel safe."

"Part of my duties as your most trusted and loyal friend," he said, smiling.

"You did your duty well then."

She hugged him, wondering why she would ever reject someone who made her feel so safe and loved just by being in the same room with her.


	7. Therapy and Venting Sessions

"Spinelli's the only person who doesn't seem to expect anything from me," Lulu told Dr. Winters. "Everyone else who comes to visit me keeps asking if I remember this or that, as if I'm suddenly gonna start remembering everything just because they ask me if I remember, or they try to shove their memories down my throat hoping I'll suddenly remember it, too."

"Spinelli doesn't do that?"

"No, he answers my questions, and he even made me this."

She showed her the cheat sheet.

"He seems to know what you need."

"He's a good friend. I asked him about my friendship with him before I lost my memory."

She was glad Dr. Winters had commented; it was a good segue into what she wanted to talk about. She supposed it was a psychologist's job to know that.

"He's been a better friend to me than I've been to him. I tried to gage my former self to find out how far I'd go to get what I want. Carly seems like someone who will do anything to get what she wants, even if someone she loves gets hurt and I wanted to see if I was the same way."

"What did you find out?"

"Well, I asked Spinelli what the worst thing I ever did to him was and then what the worst thing was that he ever did to me. I know other people can be biased about that, but Spinelli's the most honest person I know; I just know he's not lying. He gave me some examples. He thinks the worst thing he ever did to me was knock me unconscious."

"Why did he do that?"

"Well, that's the thing; the reason behind it was a good one. I was trying to go after Anthony Zacchara at the Black and White Ball. I asked Nadine and Elizabeth about it because they were there at the time and they corroborated Spinelli's version of what happened, not that I needed it. It just felt right, if that makes sense."

Dr. Winters nodded.

"It's always good to trust your instincts."

"I wouldn't listen to him. He said I couldn't leave, that it was too dangerous, and I just told him to watch me and strode for the door as if he didn't even matter. The worst thing he ever did to me was try to be a good friend and protect my life. I don't know what the worst thing I ever did to him was; I don't know if it was when I trashed him for not agreeing with me on something, put him in the position where he had to knock me out or chose the guy who humiliated him and beat him up instead of him. He didn't give me his opinion on that; he won't tell me for some reason what he thinks was the worst. He forgave everything I did. He doesn't think we should dwell on the past. The only reason he agreed to answer my questions about that was because I didn't remember. I had to remind him that the past doesn't exist for me."

"Have you written any of this in your journal?"

"All of it."

"Good; then whether or not you get your memory back you'll be able to look at that and be a better friend because you'll know what not to do."

"But how do I fix what I did?"

"It doesn't sound to me like you need to fix it; you're still friends, so he obviously forgave you. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them."

"He's the only person who makes me feel safe."

"Your family doesn't?"

Lulu shook her head.

"They expect too much; Spinelli is patient with me. He doesn't try to force me to remember. Everyone else makes me feel like a horrible person for not remembering. I know they don't mean to, but they do."

"Have you talked to them?"

"Lucky just keeps telling me he wants me to remember. My dad and Nikolas just look at me like they're disappointed. Everyone else just looks sad, as if I've died or something and I'm just a ghost."

"Do you feel like a ghost?"

"Yeah, with everyone except Spinelli. Dr. Drake says I can go home tomorrow. Lucky says I live with him. I don't know if I wanna go back there."

"Then maybe you should go somewhere else."

"Where?"

"You could stay with someone else or get a room above Kelly's or Jake's."

Spinelli had told her about Kelly's and had mentioned Jake's in passing, so Lulu knew what she was talking about.

"Maybe," she sighed. "I hope I still know how to do my job; I'm a waitress at Kelly's."

As lulu was having her therapy session with Dr. Winters, Maxie was confiding her fears to Spinelli.

"Robin keeps telling me all the things that are happening to her body; she doesn't talk about anything but the pregnancy and the baby. I know it's all I've talked about today; I hope I don't make it part of every conversation I have for the next nine months."

"Pregnancy is new to both of you."

"I know, but I faked one before. I don't know how I managed to pull it off; the real thing feels nothing like what I did before."

As he listened to her talk, he observed that Maxie kept referring to the baby is Coop's, never hers. He supposed it wasn't real to her yet, or maybe it just made her miss Coop less. He only hoped it wouldn't interfere with her bonding with the child.

Later, he went back to the hospital to see Jason and Lulu. Because Lulu's room was before Jason's, he stopped there first. She looked upset.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm going home tomorrow."

"That's great!"

"It's good that I'll be out of here, but it won't be home to me. I don't know Lucky; I don't know the house is history and Lucky and my dad want me to remember everything."

"Being in familiar surroundings might help you remember."

"I don't know," she said in a worried tone.

"Spinelli," Dr. Drake said from the doorway.

"Does the Life Saving One need to examine The Blonde One?"

"Yes, but also, Jason needs to see you. I'll let him tell you why."

Lulu looked with concern at Spinelli's worried expression.

"Go ahead; we'll talk later."

Spinelli nodded and ran to Jason's room.

"Hey," Jason said.

"Greetings."

Spinelli tried to keep his tone casual, but Jason could see that he was upset.

"What's wrong?"

"I was just about to ask you that; Dr. Drake said you needed to see me."

"I need to go to Seattle to see a specialist in micro surgery."

"When do you leave?"

"In about an hour."

"OK, do you need me to get you anything from home?"

"No, thanks; I got everything I need. Don't look so worried; I'll be fine. I'll be back in a few days."

"It's not just you; The Blonde One is going home tomorrow, which is good, but-"

"She's afraid she's gonna feel like a stranger."

Spinelli nodded.

"I was in her position once. Tell her if it gets too much for her she can move back in with us."

"Really?"

"I know what it's like to try to meet everyone's expectations and not measure up; I went through the same thing with the Quartermaine's after I woke up from that car accident and didn't remember anything. But have her give it a few days with Lucky first; it may be different for her."

Spinelli agreed, but when he went back to Lulu's room, decided not to make the offer yet. He would wait to see how things played out at Lucky's house first. If Lulu thought it was getting to be too much for her, then he would offer to have her move into Casa De Stone Cold.

"What's wrong?" Lulu asked when Spinelli came back into her room. "You look upset."

"Stone Cold is leaving for Seattle in an hour; he needs to see a specialist about his hands."

He didn't tell her the other reasons he was upset. Lulu didn't remember Michael, who was missing. He and Jason suspected that he had been the one to shoot Kate Howard. Also, Spinelli was faced with the possibility of having to tell his friend that his mother was the one who hit Sam. He felt as if everyone he cared about was in pain and there was nothing he could do to help any of them.

"It's really sweet the way you worry so much about your friends, but it's not good for you. I mean, you look tired; obviously you never put yourself first."

"I've just been exceptionally busy the last few days; I'll get some sleep."

"Tonight," she said firmly.

"Tonight," he agreed, smiling.

Later, Lulu smiled affectionately as she watched him leave. So far out of all the guys she'd been associating with, he had been the only one to visit her frequently. Milo had come by once, but looked uncomfortable and had left quickly. Dillon was no longer living in Port Charles and Logan was in a coma because Lulu had put herself in a situation where she'd been forced to hit him with a wrench. She wondered where Johnny was. She didn't know whether or not she wanted to see him. She didn't remember a thing about her old life; the last thing she needed was more complications and one more person to try to please. For now, she decided, it would be better if Johnny Zacchara stayed away from her.


	8. Expectations

Lucky gave her an expectant look.

"Do you remember anything?"

"No," Lulu said, frustrated, "Lucky, I just walked in the door!"

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I just want you to remember; I want you to be yourself again."

"Yeah, well, that may never happen! I'm tired; I wanna lie down."

"OK, I'll take you to your room."

Everyone stopped in to see her that day, all asking the same questions about whether she remembered anything. She hated not remembering; she hated having to tell them she didn't remember. Most of all, she hated the pressure of people wanting her to magically remember everything she'd forgotten.

Spinelli had called her to tell her he couldn't come today; he was working on some things for Jason while he was away. She understood, but wished she could see him. He didn't pressure her; he didn't expect anything from her. He accepted her for who she was now and was very patient with her. He had told her while she was in the hospital that whether or not she regained her memory, he would always be her most trusted and loyal friend.

A few days later, Lucky got a call that there had been an explosion at the cannery. He wanted Lulu to come with him because Carly and Michael had been there. Lulu didn't remember either of these people, although she had met Carly and she had told her about Michael, who had been missing for days. She was glad Carly had found him, but only went with Lucky because that was what he expected. Lulu was part of the family, so she had to be where the family was.

Carly had been knocked into the water by the explosion. She'd been unconscious, but the doctors told her she would be fine. But later, after receiving an unwanted visitor, she had lost her baby. Michael had a head injury, but the cut wasn't serious.

Lucky hugged them both, whispering to Carly that he was sorry about the baby. Michael didn't know, so Lucky spoke to him separately, telling him he was glad he was OK and lecturing him sternly about running away.

Michael seemed puzzled by Lulu's behavior, but Lucky explained to him that she'd lost her memory. He seemed to accept the news with no problem, making one comment about how Uncle Jason had lost his memory, and then Jax had come and Michael ran up to him. There was nothing more Lucky and Lulu could do for them, so they went home.

"What?" she asked when they got home. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Why were you so cold to them? You looked at them like you didn't feel anything for them one way or the other."

"I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sympathetic, but I don't know them."

"They're your cousins!"

"But I don't remember them!"

"It's been almost two weeks, Lulu! Are you even trying?"

"Of course I'm trying! I'm trying every minute of every day so I can please everyone. Why would you even ask me that?"

"Dr. Winters told us a shock might bring back your memory; Michael and Carly are family and they were in danger! You're gonna tell me you don't remember anything about either of them? You're gonna tell me the shock of two people you love almost dying didn't spark any memories at all?"

"Lucky, I don't remember anything about anyone!"

"You seem to remember Spinelli."

"I don't; I only know what he and everyone else has told me. I get along with him because he doesn't constantly force me to try to remember! He accepts me for who I am now and doesn't try to turn me into the person I used to be!"

"The person you used to be was my sister and I want her back!"

"You're selfish then!" she screamed, and ran out of the house.

"Lulu, get back here!"

He stood up and tried to chase after her. As he did, he realized she was right. He was being selfish and insensitive. This was harder on Lulu than anyone else; she was the one who couldn't remember. She was the one who had to ask about people she used to know. It wasn't her not remembering that bothered him really, it was the fact that she was feeling closer and more comfortable with Spinelli than she did her own brother.

He had to find her. She didn't remember Port Charles. What if she got lost? What if something worse happened to her than a bump on the head? He would never forgive himself.

Lulu was gone by the time Lucky got out the door; he was surprised at how fast she was. But where could she have gone? She didn't know Port Charles; she wouldn't remember where she was going.

He jumped in his car and headed for the police station. If necessary, he would have his fellow cops bring her in and then he would take her home where she belonged. He was sorry he'd upset her, but that didn't give her the right to run away like a child, especially in her condition.

After running for what seemed like forever, Lulu stopped, suddenly panicking. Where was she? Nothing looked familiar. Well, of course nothing looked familiar; she didn't remember anything.

But she did have Spinelli's phone number; he had shown her how to use her cell phone and had told her it would be wise to keep it with her at all times in case she needed help, and she did. He was the only one she could call who would not grill her or yell at her. He was the only one she could trust completely.

"Fair Lulu?" he asked, answering immediately, recognizing her number.

"Spinelli, thank God! I'm in trouble! I don't know where I am!"

"OK, just relax. What happened? Why are you alone?"

"Lucky and I had a fight and I got upset. He wants me to remember and he's mad at me! Pleas, I'm scared, Spinelli! I ran out of the house and got lost! I know it was really stupid and childish, but I- just got so mad I couldn't think! I don't know-"

"It's OK. Just describe your surroundings and you can tell me the rest of what happened when I pick you up.

She was near the park, but not close enough to see it. He directed her to it and told her to wait there. He would be there in a few minutes.

While she was waiting, someone approached her eagerly.

"Lulu!"

It was a man she hadn't seen since she woke up in the hospital.

"I've been looking all over for you!"

He grabbed her, smiling, and kissed her, but stopped, looking confused, when she looked panicked and didn't respond.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know you."

"What?"

"I don't know you! Let me go!"

"Lulu, what are you talking about? Are you playing games again? Is this another push pull thing?"

He looked angry and she began to feel scared.

"No, I really don't know you; I'm not playing games! Please, let me go!"

"What do you mean, you don't' know me, Lulu! How can you tell me you don't know me and then say you're not playing games with me!"

"Unhand her," Spinelli said.

Johnny, at least she thought it was Johnny, loosened his grip as he looked over with surprise at Spinelli. She pulled loose from his grip and ran to Spinelli, throwing her arms around him.

"It's OK," he said softly, hugging her protectively and facing Johnny. "She was in a car accident almost two weeks ago and has amnesia. Where have you been? I mean, I thought you'd have been to see her."

"You don't know?"

Spinelli shook his head. Johnny looked at Lulu, shaking with fear in Spinelli's arms, and decided not to tell the truth.

"Well, Sonny and I had some business we were discussing and the negotiations were just completed today."

"OK, well, I hope it went well."

He knew Johnny wasn't exactly telling the truth, but he also knew he wouldn't say anything in front of Lulu.

"I'm sorry, Lulu. I didn't know you were hurt. You and I have pushed each other away and pulled each other back before and I thought that's what you were doing. I thought maybe you were mad at me for not showing up for our date or not calling for a while."

"This is Johnny Zacchara," Spinelli explained.

"I would never hurt you," Johnny said gently as Lulu looked at him.

"OK," she said hesitantly.

"Lulu!" Lucky called, sounding both relieved and angry.

He had traced a cell phone call from her to Spinelli and found her in the park. But here she was with Spinelli and Johnny Zacchara. He had to get her out of this situation.

"Why don't I take you to the place you saved my life?" Johnny asked. "Maybe you'll remember something."

"She's not going anywhere with either of you," Lucky said, standing between her and Johnny. He couldn't get between her and Spinelli because she was hugging him. "She's coming home with me where she belongs. Lulu, I'm sorry about before. I just want my sister back, but you're right; I was being selfish."

"I can't do this anymore!" she exploded. "I can't handle everyone trying to force me to remember! I don't wanna go home with you and I don't wanna go with you either!" This last was to Johnny. "I just wanna be with my friend!"

She turned to Spinelli with pleading eyes.

"Please, take me out of here. You're the only one I can trust. You're the only one who doesn't expect anything from me! You're the only one who lets me be myself. Please, let's just go somewhere away from them!"

"Lulu," Lucky began angrily.

"Leave me alone!" she screamed in Lucky's face, then buried her face in Spinelli's shoulder.

She started to cry. She couldn't help it. She felt like everyone except Spinelli was pulling her in different directions and applying pressure at the same time. She felt like she would break if one more person pressured her to remember.

"You have a therapy session in two hours, Lulu."

"I'll see that she gets there," Spinelli promised.

Lucky agreed reluctantly, not wanting to upset Lulu any further, but he hated that this was bringing her closer to Spinelli. He worked for Jason, Lucky's worst enemy. He hated Jason, so he hated Spinelli, and Lulu was turning to him in her time of crisis, just like she had when Logan had cheated on her with Maxie. Lucky stalked off, wishing Spinelli and Jason would both just disappear.

Johnny watched Spinelli and Lulu leave, feeling sad and confused. Lulu didn't remember him; she didn't remember anything. Apparently her family was not being very supportive and Johnny had been locked up in a padded cell, starved and beaten, so he hadn't been able to be around to support her. While he'd been a captive, Lulu had become a prisoner in her own body, similar to her mother's situation, but thankfully not nearly as drastic. He was glad Spinelli had been there for her. He was also a little jealous. But maybe he could make her love him again, whether or not she got her memory back. He would just have to try.

Spinelli took her back to the Penthouse until her session and calmed her down. He had to keep reassuring her that she wasn't betraying everyone by not remembering and relayed Jason's offer for her to move in with them. She agreed, after some convincing, with gratitude. Spinelli had told her Jason understood her situation, having been in a similar one. With Spinelli and Jason, Lulu could think clearly and not feel pressured to be someone she no longer was.


	9. Deja Vu

Tracey came over that day and tried to convince her to leave and come back to the mansion. Lulu refused and Spinelli backed her up, reminding him forcefully of the day they had brought her back from her hitchhiking trip with Johnny.

"Why is it that whenever she's vulnerable you're right there?" Tracey demanded of Spinelli.

"I'm her friend. I'm supposed to be there to comfort her when she's vulnerable and make sure no one hurts her."

"Spinelli is a perfect gentleman," Lulu said. "He could have taken advantage of me any time since I woke up in the hospital and he's never tried anything even once. He's a good guy and if you have any good reason why I should think otherwise you better tell me right now!"

"Have you listened to him talk?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"He's crazy!"

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with Spinelli! He's a good friend and a good man! Give me proof otherwise or get out!"

"He's been obsessed with you for months, Lulu."

"He's not obsessed with me; he was trying to protect me! You didn't want me with Logan either, so don't blame him for trying to do what you couldn't! You know what? You're a snob! Just because he's not exactly like you he's gotta deal with you ridiculing him and trying to ruin our friendship!"

"She's never tried to-" Spinelli began.

"That's what it feels like," Lulu said. "You don't even have a right to be here. Spinelli didn't invite you here, so get out!"

"Lulu, I love you. I only want what's best for you."

"You want me to remember!"

"What's wrong with that?"

"Everybody wants me to remember! What if I don't want to! What if I can't! Spinelli won't be disappointed or angry with me. Will you? I know my dad and brothers will."

"No, Blonde One, they-"

"You saw Lucky today, Spinelli. He was so angry with me for not remembering."

"He was angry with you for turning to me."

"Why would I not turn to the one person in the world who treats me like a person instead of a piece of paper waiting to be written on? They think if they fill my head with enough information I'll magically remember everything."

"I'm sorry," Tracey said. "I didn't mean to pressure you."

"Yeah, well, you did, along with everybody else in my life, except him."

"Of course not, because he's getting exactly what he wants."

"What I want is for my friend to feel safe. What I want is for her to know that she has someone she can turn to when the pressure gets to be too much. What I want is for her to be happy and at peace, whether or not she gets her memory back!"

"So do I!"

"Then start acting like it," Lulu said angrily. "Until you do, I don't wanna see you!"

"I'm sure your father will be here to talk some sense into you," Tracey said, and stalked out of the Penthouse.

Luke did come over, but told Lulu he respected her choice and wouldn't try to talk her out of it.

"I'm sorry, Princess. I never meant for you to feel pressured and neither did your brothers."

He turned to Spinelli.

"I believe you have my daughter's best interests at heart, but if you or anybody else hurts her while she's living with you, you'll answer to me and both her brothers."

Spinelli nodded and Luke left.

Lucky was the third, and last, to come over and try to convince Lulu to leave.

"Don't bother unpacking. You're coming home with me where you belong."

"You heard Dr. Winters. She said I needed to be in a place where I feel safe, without pressure. That's not your house; that's here with the only person I completely trust."

"I'm your brother, Lulu!"

"You're part of my problem! You won't let up on me! You keep promising that you will, but you don't! I'm not moving back in with you and that's all there is to it!"

"Then move into Wyndemere with Nikolas."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"She feels pressure from Nikolas, too."

"Shut up!"

"Spinelli lives here, you don't, so don't you tell him to shut up in his own house!"

"This isn't even his house; it's Jason's."

"That's what really bugs you, isn't it? You're not upset because I'm living here with Spinelli. You're upset because Jason and Spinelli are friends and this is Jason's house."

"Jason is a mobster."

"Jason is a coffee importer!"

Lucky stared at Spinelli in disbelief."

"Did you really tell her that?"

Lulu did know the truth, but didn't want to give Lucky more ammunition to use against Spinelli.

"Why don't you grow up, Lucky? You and Sam are still holding grudges when Jason and Elizabeth are not even seeing each other. Elizabeth herself told me that, so don't try to deny it or say Spinelli's lying to me! I'm staying here and there's nothing you can do about it. I moved in once before and you couldn't do anything and if you try I'll hitchhike again."

Spinelli and Lucky both stared this time.

"How could you tell her about that?" Lucky demanded.

"I didn't," Spinelli said.

"Carly told me."

"Does this conversation sound the slightest bit familiar to you?" Spinelli asked Lucky.

"What are you talking about?"

"You tried to force her to leave Casa De Stone Cold before and failed. The Blonde One is, as I said then, of legal adult status and can do what she wants."

"She had her memory before. I can go to court and-"

"You do that and you will no longer be my brother!" Lulu screamed at him. "Get out of here!"

Lucky stared at Lulu in shock for a moment, then glared at Spinelli, then stalked out of the penthouse, slamming the door behind him.

Spinelli was reminded of the day Lulu had slapped Logan and thrown him out. This time had to be even more painful, even if she didn't remember the person she was throwing out. He was her brother.

"You OK?"

She shook her head.

"I don't wanna be mean to them. I just don't know how else to get through to them. They're so forceful and I just-"

She spread her hands.

"You need time," he said gently.

"Why are you the only one who understands that?"

"Maybe because I haven't known you all your life, and maybe because I know Stone Cold is his own person, even without his early memories. They don't like him; I love him like a brother and I respect him for who he is now, not who he used to be. I didn't know that person."

"Can't you and I just run away together?" she sighed.

"Running away is not gonna solve your problems, Blonde One. You learned that when you-"

He stopped. She didn't remember hitchhiking and meeting Johnny. He was afraid she would feel pressure from him, too, if he started reminding her of past lessons in that way, using her bad decisions to teach her. He would rather advise her, and if she asked, then give her examples of her past life.

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's OK. You forgot I don't remember."

The silliness of that statement struck them both funny and they burst out laughing.

"Were you gonna say I learned that when I hitchhiked to get away from Logan instead of going to somebody I trusted?"

He nodded.

"You're right, and I didn't mean what I said to Lucky. You have my word, I'm not gonna go hitchhiking again, not when I have a good friend like you to turn to. I didn't wanna hurt Lucky. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I'm just so frustrated!"

"I know, but that's what your therapy sessions are for, to help you deal with your feelings."

"Speaking of which, Dr. Winters told me about my mom."

Spinelli didn't know what to say to that. Why would Dr. Winters tell her something so traumatizing?

"I asked why my mom wasn't around. No one would say anything when I asked and even you were vague about it. I understood why, but it was frustrating, so I got her to tell me. The difference between me and her is that I'm not catatonic and don't see myself going that way. My family needs to lay off. If they're so afraid I'll end up like her, they need to stop applying all this pressure or they just might send me over the edge."

"Are you afraid of that?"

"Yes."

"Is the journal helping?"

"It's helping me retain the new memories, but not helping at all with bringing back the old ones."

She began to feel more relaxed as they talked. She knew that no matter what happened with her memory, Spinelli would always be there. Old Lulu or new Lulu, her best friend was the one she could count on to accept and value her.


	10. Friendship, or Not?

Lulu felt safer than she had since waking up in the hospital for the next four days, until Scott Baldwin arrived at the Penthouse demanding that she go see Logan. He had opened his eyes and was asking for her. She agreed to go, but not without Spinelli, to Scott's annoyance.

"What's he doing here?" Logan asked, glaring at Spinelli.

"Lulu was in a car accident on March sixth and has amnesia. Your father doesn't believe it, but it's true, and you can ask any of the doctors or nurses here. She asked me to come with her to see you."

"Have you been telling her lies about me?" Logan asked in a threatening tone.

"No, I've told her nothing but the truth."

"What did he tell you?" Logan asked Lulu.

She told him everything Spinelli had told her.

"You can't deny that any of it is true," Spinelli said in response to Logan's glare and protests. "Everyone else has told her the same things."

"Everyone else wants us apart, Lulu, including this freak."

"Don't ever call Spinelli a freak again!" Lulu said furiously.

"OK, OK, I'm sorry, but you don't know what he did to us."

"What did I do to you?"

"You kept trashing me to her so she wouldn't go out with me! You wouldn't support our relationship even after she decided to forgive me for sleeping with Maxie! You told her lies about me so she would go to my apartment and snoop around and find things she had no business finding. It's your fault she hit me over the head with that wrench! What kind of friend doesn't respect you enough to support your decisions? What kind of friend puts you in a situation where you feel threatened enough to put your boyfriend in a coma?"

"One who knows his friend is making a mistake," Lulu said. "Maybe he's wrong and maybe he's right, but he's entitled to his own thoughts and feelings. He was doing what he believed was best for me and I respect that."

Spinelli relaxed. Part of him had been worried that she would agree with The Simian One.

Then something Logan had said struck Lulu.

"Wait a minute," she said, turning to Spinelli. "Logan slept with Maxie?"

"You didn't tell her that?" Logan asked, surprised.

"The doctors don't want her to know too much; they want her memory to come back on its own. We only tell her what she needs to know, and if she asks questions we only tell her the basics. She knows no one wanted you and her together. She knows you hurt her, but not the specifics. She knows she hit you and why and she knows she took you back after you hurt her twice, the first time being when you forced that kiss on her. She didn't know about Maxie until you just told her; in fact, they've developed a cautious friendship since Lulu's memory loss."

"So what does this mean for us?" Logan asked. "If you don't remember anything-"

"I have to find out who I am now. I don't know if I'll ever get my memory back. I have to prepare for that possibility. I need to get to know myself and everyone around me before I get involved in a serious relationship."

"OK, but what about when you are ready?"

"I just don't know right now, Logan. Please respect that. I can't make any promises to anyone. Once I decide who I am, then I'll decide what I want."

If Lulu chooses me again," Logan said to Spinelli as if he was sure Spinelli would never win against Logan, "you're not gonna try to interfere."

Neither of them liked the threat in Logan's tone.

"This isn't about me choosing anyone, Logan. I told you I don't want a serious relationship now; all this has to do with is friendship."

"I want more, Lulu; I want us to be-"

"That's not gonna happen right now! I need you to realize that I'm not fit to be anyone's girlfriend right now!"

"What about him?"

"We're friends, that's all," Spinelli said.

"Yeah, right, and you're not doing everything you can to make her fall in love with you?"

"I respect that she doesn't remember any of us and I don't wanna put anymore pressure on her. She's already got everyone trying to force her to remember them; I'm not gonna do that to her. The last thing she needs right now is more stress."

"Do you know about him, Lulu?"

"I know everything I need to know. If you mean the competition between him and two other guys, I know about that. If you mean about his eccentricity, every genius on the planet is eccentric in one way or another; there's nothing wrong with assigning nicknames. At least he's not cutting off his ears or something."

Spinelli laughed.

"He's crazy in love with you," Logan said.

"He's my friend."

"He's desperate!"

"He's not the one who forced a kiss on me! He's not the one who decided to frame an innocent man to keep him away from me! He's not the one who was perfectly willing to let someone go to jail for something they didn't even do just so you could have me all to yourself! Diego Alcazar would have gone on killing if you'd managed to successfully frame Johnny! There would have been more text message killings and it would have been your fault! None of that is OK, Logan, and I'm not sure I would ever wanna be with someone who could let innocent people die or go to prison just to get his own way! You're the desperate one, not Spinelli. With or without my memory, I'm not sure you're the guy for me."

"You told her about that?" Logan asked Spinelli through clenched teeth.

"If he hadn't told me someone else would have. Look, there's only one issue here right now, Logan. Are you willing to be friends with me and accept that I don't want a boyfriend? If you are, that's great, but you need to treat my other friends with respect and you need to respect my boundaries."

Spinelli hated the calculating look in Logan's eyes as he stared at Lulu.

Logan decided to play along. At least if they were friends, Logan still had a foot in the door. There was no way she would ever choose a guy like Spinelli over a guy like him.

"OK, I'll be your friend, and for your sake I'll even be nice to him."

"I'm gonna hold you to that," Lulu said firmly. "Spinelli's been my biggest supporter since this happened to me and I won't have you bad mouthing him."

"He's gotta respect me, too, though."

"Agreed," Spinelli said.

Lulu smiled. "She and Maxie were becoming friends. She was cautiously optimistic that she could get Spinelli and Logan to put aside their differences, too.

Lulu was quiet since waking up in the hospital without her memory. She preferred mostly to listen and soak up information she felt she should already know. She watched Maxie and Spinelli build their friendship with fascination. She knew it had been their connection to Georgie that had connected them. Lulu had no connections in Port Charles at the moment, except her forming connections with Maxie and Spinelli, the only two people who didn't badger her about her memory. She hoped Logan would be the third person she could trust and that their friendship would facilitate a friendship between him and her two other friends.

Jason came back two days after Logan woke up and Lulu found another friend in him, another person who respected who she was now and didn't try to make her live in a past she didn't remember. She noticed the tension between Lucky and Jason, but she knew why that was. She had gotten both sides of that story and wished Lucky would grow up, since he had contributed to the breakup of his marriage. If he hadn't slept with Maxie, Elizabeth wouldn't have slept with Jason. Apparently Jason's girlfriend at the time, who was now Lucky's girlfriend, had cheated on Jason that night, too. Sam and Lucky had originally become a couple in order to get back at Jason and Elizabeth. Jason had been staying away from Elizabeth and Sam and Lucky were still holding grudges, so Lulu thought Jason was the one who was acting more maturely. She couldn't say one way or another about Elizabeth because she hadn't seen her since she'd left the hospital.

Lulu spent some time alone with Logan while he was in the hospital, but mostly she came with Spinelli and Maxie in order to facilitate their potential friendship. They all felt that Logan's heart wasn't in it; they all saw his lack of effort. Maxie and Spinelli had also decided privately that it would be a bad idea to leave them alone together too often. They didn't want Logan taking advantage of Lulu's condition.

But Lulu also saw that when he was alone with her he was very open. She tried to get him to open up with Spinelli and Maxie, but was unsuccessful.

"He's not trying with you, is he?" she asked Spinelli one day when they got back from a Yoga class. Spinelli had gotten her interested. "He tries with me, but he seems to refuse to try with you and Maxie."

"I think you're right. He doesn't care about either of us; he just wants to get you to pay attention to him again like you did before."

"And my stepmother was worried about you taking advantage of me? Logan seems more like the type to do that than you."

"You're seeing his flaws and the dangers he poses without your memory," he observed.

"Apparently I need either a brain or a memory, but I can't have both," she said dryly.

"No, you did learn from your mistakes when you had your memory. You just chose to-"

"Ignore the newly acquired knowledge and make the same mistakes over and over again?"

"Follow your heart."

"Yeah, well, maybe I should have followed my head. Maybe if I'd done that I wouldn't have lost my memory in the first place."

"The Blonde One is much too quick to criticize herself."

"From what everyone has told me, I was a brat. Why would you even wanna be friends with me then?"

"You and I have been through a lot together. I love you."

She thought about everything he'd told her and wondered what he hadn't because the doctors hadn't wanted him to. She thought about his patience and kindness and wondered again why she would reject someone who made her feel so safe, protected and loved. She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

He smiled, surprised, and then suddenly began to feel nervous. He didn't want to take advantage of her, not when she didn't remember him. A spark of his old romantic feelings wanted to come to the surface, but he forced it away. She didn't want him that way; at least she hadn't wanted him that way when she'd had her memory. She'd been furious with him then. She had alternately ignored and berated him when she wasn't being friendly or using his romantic feelings to get him to do what she wanted. She had emotionally blackmailed him into not telling Jason she was sending text messages to the Septic Son. She had been furious with him for venting to Jason about Logan's behavior the day Logan had punched him and kissed Lulu. What if she got her memory back after they formed a romantic relationship and didn't remember forming that relationship. He would be shunned again by the woman he loved. He couldn't take that chance. He had to stay Lulu's friend; he didn't want to lose her, but he didn't want to be hurt again either. He would have to be very careful.


	11. True Friends

The next few months became routine for Lulu. She attended Yoga with Spinelli. He had breakfast waiting for her every morning when she came downstairs. She talked frequently with him and Jason at the Penthouse. She spent time with Maxie, Logan and Johnny. She spent time with her family, but left when she began to feel pressured. She wasn't getting her memory back and was beginning to accept the increasing likelihood that it might never come back.

Logan scared her sometimes and she tried not to be alone with him too much. Johnny was scary, too, but not like Logan. She never got the feeling that he could turn on her any second. Whenever possible, she always made sure Spinelli, Maxie or both were with her when she was with Logan. She kept Johnny and Logan apart instinctively because she new they hated each other.

She liked all three of the single guys in her life; Jason was OK, but didn't count in Lulu's mind as a single guy because he was too old, more like a big brother. But it was Spinelli she was coming to love. She didn't know yet if it was romantic love, but she did love him.

Johnny and Logan sensed her feelings. Johnny seemed sad, but resigned, and Logan seemed to get angrier and angrier every time he saw Lulu and Spinelli together.

Maxie began to sense Lulu's changing feelings for Spinelli, too. She had to fight to keep from showing her resentment. Spinelli had wanted her for months and Georgie had wanted him. Georgie was dead and now Lulu was falling for Spinelli? Maybe she wasn't there yet, but Maxie was sure that was where she was headed.

Lulu felt sad every time she looked at Carly. Her son, Michael, had been shot shortly after Logan had come home from the hospital and Lulu felt nothing for them but sympathy. She knew she should feel more because they were family. She was coming to love them, but she just couldn't feel anything more than human empathy for Michael. The love just wasn't there.

"Can I ask you something?" Lulu asked Maxie one day at Kelly's.

Spinelli had gone to order for them. They took turns treating.

"OK."

"Whenever you talk about your baby, you call it Coop's baby. Why don't you ever call it yours?"

"I never noticed that," Maxie said, surprised. "I guess it just doesn't seem real to me yet. I'm preparing for it, but it still seems like it's happening to someone else, even with the morning sickness and all the weird changes my body's going through."

After dinner, when Maxie went to get up, she started to feel dizzy. Something was wrong, but before she could say anything, she fainted. Mike called an ambulance and Lulu and Spinelli rode with her to the hospital.

"No," Maxie said, gripping each of their hands when Mack tried to make them leave, "I want my friends to stay!"

"All right, Honey; I'll go talk to the doctor."

"I can't lose my baby," Maxie said, starting to cry when Mack left.

"You won't," Lulu said gently. "The doctors are gonna help you."

"And we'll do everything we can to help, too, with the rest of your pregnancy," Spinelli promised.

He had been there when the baby had started to move. Maxie had excitedly taken his hand and put it over her belly. They had smiled with fascination as he felt the baby's movements. Judging from the strong kicks, he thought Maximista's little one would be as strong-willed as his or her mother.

He had begun calling her that a few months ago. It signified beauty and sexual allure. She found it flattering and liked it much better than The Bad Blonde One or The Wounded Blonde One.

Dr. Lee put Maxie on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. At Lulu's insistence, she and Spinelli would be there to take care of her when Mack or someone else could not.

"I noticed something," Lulu said on the way home. "Maxie called it her baby when she said she couldn't lose it."

"I noticed that, too. I think it's the first time. I think she finally realized this baby is hers, too, not just The Clean Cut Cadet's."

They knew it was a huge admission for Maxie. She'd been self-centered for most of her life and now she had a life growing inside her, a living being that was part of her. By saying "my baby" she had acknowledged that she was not the only one who mattered anymore. Her and Coop's baby was more important than Maxie. She was growing up.

Mack didn't like the idea of Spinelli being in his house, but Lulu and Maxie would not take no for an answer. Spinelli had been a good friend to both of them and they needed his help, physically in Maxie's case, and emotionally in both their cases. Spinelli kept their spirits up and gave them hope when they felt like everyone else was giving up on them.

Logan and Johnny had been participating in the interaction between Lulu, Spinelli and Maxie, but Johnny felt like a fifth wheel. The only reason Logan was participating was to try to get Lulu to notice him again. But to his annoyance, which was quickly becoming resentment and fury, she was paying more and more attention to Spinelli. Logan decided he was going to have to do something about that very soon. He just wasn't sure what; he knew he had to be careful. He couldn't hurt Spinelli or Lulu would never forgive him.

Logan faked concern when he heard about Maxie and started coming over to help with her. Maxie seemed to sense that Logan was faking everything. Spinelli seemed indifferent, and why shouldn't he? Logan knew Spinelli was very much aware of the attention Lulu was giving him now. The only thing that confused him was why Spinelli wasn't trying to get Lulu to fall in love with him anymore. Logan began to wonder if Spinelli was in love with Maxie. Surprised by that thought, he decided to see if he couldn't try to somehow facilitate a romance between Maxie and Spinelli. Lulu would be crushed and Logan would pick up the pieces of her broken heart.

"Spinelli seems to like you," Logan said to Maxie one day after Lulu and Spinelli went home.

"We're friends."

"Yeah, but he seems to pay a lot of attention to you now. A few months ago he hated you."

"We talked about that and we sorted everything out. We're good friends now."

"Do you think it could ever be more?"

"Spinelli's like a brother to me, and don't think I don't know what this is about. You want Spinelli away from Lulu."

"You wanted everyone away from Lulu before."

"She doesn't even have a memory now; I can't hate her for something she doesn't even remember."

"Is that true or do you just not wanna disappoint Spinelli?"

"It started out that way, but I actually like her now. She doesn't remember what she did to Georgie. Besides, Georgie let it go a long time ago; I'm the one who kept it going. If Spinelli and Lulu end up together, I'll be very happy for them."

She was surprised to find that she honestly meant it.

"Lulu is not gonna end up with Spinelli!" Logan screamed. "She's gonna be with me!"

"Your true colors are showing."

"You owe me."

"I owe you?"

"Yeah, you cost me Lulu in the first place; now you're gonna help me get her back by playing up to Spin-"

"I'm not hurting Spinelli so you can be with Lulu. If she chooses you, she chooses you. If she chooses Spinelli, she chooses Spinelli. She may not choose either of you. But no matter what happens, I'm not gonna do anything to make or break it."

Logan stormed out of the house. He would just have to try to find another way to pull Spinelli and lulu apart.

"Logan doesn't seem very happy," Lulu said during their traditional breakfast the next morning.

"He's not bothering you, is he?"

"He's not exactly bothering me. It just still feels like he's trying harder with me than he is with you and Maxie."

"He is because you're the one who's important to him."

"Yeah, I think he's only trying to be friends with you guys because it's what I want."

"How do you feel about him now?"

"I don't love him. I'm not even sure I like him. I feel sorry for him because his dad left before he was even born, but when we're alone he acts like I'm supposed to save him."

"Save him from what?"

"I don't know; maybe his life choices, what happened in Iraq? He won't even talk about that, but he keeps telling me I'm the only good thing in his life and that I make him wanna be a better man."

"He's told you that before."

"He told me about all the talks we used to have. But it feels like he's pressuring me to be his savior. It's even worse than people trying to pressure me to remember because I can't ever save him; he's the only one who can do that. But when I tell him that he just gives me this sad look like I don't know what I'm talking about. He says he can't do it alone."

"He has to wanna do it for himself, not for you or anyone else, and he can't expect you or anyone else to do it for him."

"I've tried to tell him that, too. I've even suggested therapy, but he flatly refuses; he gets angry with me every time I mention it."

"Has he hurt you?"

"No, he just glares at me and tells me to forget it. I think he's jealous of you, too."

"Why?"

"I pay more attention to you than I do to him. I can't help it; I like you better."

"Really?"

"You don't make me nervous and you never pressure me to do anything."

Someone knocked at the door and Lulu opened it to Scott Baldwin.

"There you are," he said to Lulu. "I wanna remind you of something. Since you're pretending not to remember, I guess I have to. You have everyone fooled, even my son, but not me."

"What do you want?" Spinelli asked, standing protectively beside Lulu.

"You and I had a deal," Scott said, ignoring Spinelli. "I agreed to give your mother's guardianship back to Nikolas if you agreed to give Logan a second chance."

"She followed through on her part of the bargain; your son blew it when he tried to frame an innocent man for the Text Message Killings. He would have let more innocent lives be taken just so he could keep Lulu away from Johnny Zacchara. It didn't work and your son got what was coming to him. He never should have grabbed her; if he hadn't done that she wouldn't have hit him."

"Shut up!" Scott screamed.

"You shut up," Lulu said angrily. "You don't get to come here and talk to him like that. Now get out of here before I call Jason."

"I'm already here," Jason said, coming downstairs. "Turn around and leave, Baldwin."

"Or what?"

Jason touched his gun.

"Or you'll be dead and I won't be convicted because I'll be telling the truth; I shot an intruder. Spinelli and Lulu are witnesses; you were threatening them and they'll back me up."

Spinelli and Lulu nodded.

"Even Logan says I kept up my end of the bargain," Lulu said, "so you can't hold that over my head anymore. Go away."

"You're faking your memory loss to get out of paying for hurting my son and I'm gonna prove it and then you're going to jail."

"Your son is not pressing charges," Spinelli said. "You have no case without him."

"Get out," Jason said impatiently to Scott.

"You know, you're really pathetic," Scott said to Spinelli. "You honestly think she's gonna fall for you, don't you? If she didn't love you with a memory, why would she love you without one?"

"You can't have it both ways," Jason said. "You can't say she's faking one minute and then use her memory loss against Spinelli in the next. Get out before I count to three or your brains are gonna be all over that wall!"

Scott glared at all three of them until Jason began to count, then he turned around and ran toward his car. As Lulu closed the door, she was grateful that her two best male friends had been there to stop Scott from forcing her to be with Logan based on a promise she didn't remember.


	12. The Truth

By the beginning of July, Lulu couldn't fight it anymore. She was falling in love with Spinelli. She examined her feelings with Dr. Winters and had decided to tell him, but she didn't know how. But she decided that before she did she had to tell Logan and Johnny that her feelings had changed.

She told Johnny over lunch and she could see that he was hurt, but he'd tried to hide it. He was graceful and wished her and Spinelli well.

She knew telling Logan alone was probably a bad idea, but she had to. She couldn't humiliate him by dumping him in front of someone.

She listened to him talk for a while, making vague references to Iraq. She responded as a friend. Then he told her how she was the girl he pictured in Iraq. She couldn't let it go on this way; she had to tell him.

"I told you all this before you lost your memory, but I know you don't remember. It feels like I'm repeating myself, but I know to you I'm not; I'm telling you this for the first time."

He pulled her closer.

"This is what happened the first time I told you," he said in a silky voice that made her uncomfortable.

He tried to kiss her.

"Logan, don't."

He pulled her even closer, trying to press his lips against hers.

"Logan, don't!"

He stopped.

"Come on, Lulu," he said in a wheedling tone. "Why are you fighting me so hard? Why won't you try to let me help you, help us, get back what we had?"

"Because I don't wanna get back what we had! I don't love you!"

"You don't remember loving me."

"No, I don't love you! I may never get my memory back, but it doesn't matter where you're concerned. I don't love you. The feelings are not there."

"Let me guess. You love Spinelli?"

"Yes. I've been trying to find a way to tell you. I haven't even told him yet."

"I'm sure he'll be thrilled," Logan said furiously.

"I hope so."

"Why don't you date both of us and see who you choose later?"

"No more competitions; they only hurt people."

"Did Spinelli tell you that, too?"

"I know I made him compete with two other guys for me. I know I chose you and you weren't even competing. Well, you were, but you thought I was just a game. I know you slept with Maxie after you slept with me on a bet. Maxie explained the whole situation after you told me you slept with her the day you woke up. She apologized."

"You don't remember forgiving me for that."

"I know Scott offered me a deal, which is why I took you back."

Lulu didn't know that Logan had sent Scott to remind her of that deal.

"You were looking for a reason to take me back."

"Yeah, well, I was an idiot! Since then you tried to frame an innocent man for murder; you admitted that to me before and after I lost my memory. I could never be with someone so selfish! I don't love you, Logan. I'm sorry, but it's the truth."

"Fine."

He stood up and stormed out the door of the Penthouse, leaving Lulu breathing hard. She'd really been afraid he would try to hurt her. Spinelli was at Maxie's and Lulu decided to go to Kelly's, not wanting to be alone, to wait for him to show up. She knew he always brought dinner home for both of them. This time he wouldn't have to order to go.

"You OK, Honey?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, I just had to tell Johnny and Logan that I didn't love them. I love Spinelli. He doesn't know it yet, but I need to be honest with all of them."

"You did the right thing."

"Now how do I tell Spinelli I'm in love with him? What if he doesn't feel the same way anymore?"

"You put him through a lot before you lost your memory."

"Do you think it's too late?"

"You'll never know unless you tell him."

She had an idea. She ordered his favorite foods and asked Mike to bring them as soon as Spinelli arrived.

"Surprise," she said, smiling at him when he walked in and saw dinner already on the table.

Mike had been quick; as soon as he'd seen Spinelli coming he'd brought the food out. Lulu wondered how he'd managed to be so quick.

"Hi," he said, grinning at the table, then at her.

"I have to tell you something."

His face fell.

"And you've ordered The jackal's favorite foods to let him down gently?"

"No, it's not bad."

"Oh," he said, relieved, "OK."

"I told Logan and Johnny we can't be together."

"You did?"

She laid out their food as she talked.

"I did. Johnny's hurt, but he took it well. Logan's mad, but he didn't hurt me. I couldn't lie to them anymore. I can't be with someone who cares so little for human life that he would frame Johnny for what Diego did and let Diego go on killing. As for Johnny, I just don't feel it and I don't understand why I was attracted to him in the first place. He makes me nervous; he's a loose cannon. Logan is worse, but I think Johnny could be dangerous, too, under the appropriate set of circumstances."

Spinelli was relieved, but he also had to push away the hope that she would decide to choose him. He was never going to get his hopes up about that again. Even if she chose him now, if she ever regained her memory she might change her mind. He didn't want to be rejected again.

Logan looked through the window, hoping to see Lulu alone. No, she was with Spinelli, of course. Not for long; he was going to take care of this right now, one way or another.

"There's something else you need to know, too," Lulu began.

But the door banged open and Logan stormed in and ran over to their table.

"Are you happy?" Logan screamed in Spinelli's face.

"Logan, leave him alone!"

Lulu jumped up and tried to get between them, but Logan grabbed Spinelli and pulled him between himself and Lulu.

"She doesn't want me anymore! Does that make you happy?"

"I'm happy you can't hurt her anymore," Spinelli said, more calmly than he felt, as he stared into Logan's wild eyes.

"Leave him alone and get out of here or I'll call the police," Lulu said, panicking.

"You would, wouldn't you?" he asked, sad and angry. "You would really call the police on me. Why should I be surprised? I mean, if you'd hit me over the head with a wrench and put me in a coma you'd do anything, wouldn't you?"

"You scared her into doing that; she thought you were gonna hurt her!"

"Who made her think that? Huh? You told her about-"

"I told her about the trail you were leaving! It led to you, not Johnny Zacchara! You got yourself into that mess! You caused her to hit you! Don't turn it around on her! Leave before we call the police, or The Protectors of the Night! I think you want them even less than you want the police, considering you left Mr. Sir's children unguarded; he's not happy with you!"

Lulu took out her cell phone and made as if to dial. Mike came out of the office.

"Get out of here," he snarled at Logan, "or I'll throw you out myself!"

Logan kicked one of the chairs over, then left, banging the door open as he ran out. He couldn't slam it shut because it was on a pneumatic elbow.

"You OK?" Spinelli asked as Lulu gave a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, but I think I've lost my appetite."

Spinelli nodded.

"Would you please wrap the remainder of The Blonde One's thoughtful repast?" he asked Mike, who nodded and went to get containers.

"But if you're still hungry-"

"The Simian has a way of depleting The Jackal's appetite under the best of circumstances."

She laughed.

It hadn't gone as she'd planned, but as she watched him put the things away back at the Penthouse, she knew she couldn't hesitate. She had to tell him now. She needed him to know and she needed to know if he still felt the same.

"About what I was gonna tell you before Logan interrupted us," she said hesitantly when he sat back down next to her. "I- I love you."

"I love you, too."

"No, I mean, I'm in love with you."

He stared. She took his silence and the surprised, confused look on his face to mean he didn't feel the same way.

"You don't love me anymore, do you?" she asked sadly.

"It's not that I don't; it's that I'm afraid to."

"Why? Because of the way I was before?"

"Yes and no. You don't remember the way you were before. You don't remember being my friend half the time and then the other half treating me like an inconvenience at best and an intruder in your life at worst. You don't remember all the choices you made that made me feel like I would never measure up to someone like Logan Hayes. You love me now, but what if you get your memory back tomorrow and change your mind again? What if you don't remember anything that's happened over the next few months and that journal you keep is not enough to help you retain the feelings you feel for me tonight? Or what if you do remember, but you also remember everything that happened before and you change your mind and become angry with me again? What if the past few months are negated by your returning memories? You'll reject me again. You'll- you'll break my heart again."

"You're afraid to take the risk."

"I've lost Georgie. I don't wanna lose you, too. I can't. Your feelings for Johnny and Logan changed when you lost your memory. Your feelings for me could change when and if you regain it."

"What if I don't regain it?"

"What if you do?"

Someone banged on the door, making them both jump. Whoever it was, they were very, very angry. Lulu and Spinelli were about to have a very unwelcome visitor.


	13. A Matter of Life and Death

Logan loomed in the doorway, glaring at Spinelli.

"I'm gonna talk to Lulu alone."

Lulu shook her head.

"Not if she doesn't want you to talk to her," Spinelli said.

He was still afraid of Logan, but now he was angry, too. Logan thought he could treat anyone any way he wanted. He thought Lulu would just roll over and play good little woman while he clubbed her over the head and dragged her back to his cave. It was time for him to learn that people were entitled to make their own choices. Lulu had made hers and Spinelli was going to back her up. He couldn't risk his heart with her again, but he would not abandon her as her friend.

"It's their fault, Lulu," Logan said, ignoring Spinelli as if he didn't even exist. "It's Maxie and Spinelli; they want us apart."

"Spinelli and Maxie had nothing to do with my decision, Logan. I-"

"Didn't you tell me just this afternoon that you're in love with Spinelli?" he demanded.

"Yes, but even if-"

"Don't tell me that you and I wouldn't be together if you didn't love him! He's brainwashed you, Lulu! He took advantage of your memory loss and forced you to fall in love with him!"

"Spinelli did not force me to do anything! You're the one who messed up!" Lulu screamed with anger and fear ."You tried to frame Johnny! You tried to turn me against my friends after you woke up! You're acting obsessed with me and I don't like it! You're scaring me and if you really cared about me you would not be doing that!"

"I'm sorry.""

No, you're not!"

"Please, Lulu, just come with me where we can talk alone."

Lulu shook her head again.

"You were supposed to save me!" Logan screamed, pushing Spinelli to the ground and stepping over him.

Spinelli knew he couldn't handle this alone; he needed help. He took his cell phone out of his pocket, touched Stone Cold's speed dial, then put the phone on the floor after Jason answered. He couldn't risk speaking or Logan would realize what he was doing and end the call, probably in a very violent way.

"Spinelli!" Lulu screamed, terrified that Logan had seriously hurt him.

Then she saw what he was doing and hid a smile. He was calling for help.

After stepping over Spinelli, Logan dismissed him, thinking he wouldn't be a problem. He ran over to Lulu and grabbed her.

"Shut up! Don't say Spinelli's name again; you're with me whether you like it or not!"

"Logan, let me go!"

He threw her against the pool table and everything went dark.

Spinelli couldn't get up fast enough. He saw Logan throw The Blonde One over the table and heard a sickening thud as her head hit one of the corners. Logan rushed to her and Spinelli knew The Simian One was going to pick her up and spirit her unconscious form away from here if he didn't do something.

"Not another step, Cave Dweller!"

Logan looked over at him. This guy was responsible. Spinelli had cost him Lulu. He would pay for that with his life.

He rushed at Spinelli, his hands shaped into claws, and Spinelli was immediately certain that he would be joining Wise Georgie very soon, and by the same means. Only this time it would not be the Text Message Killer using a phone cord who sent Spinelli into the other life, but his worst enemy. Logan was the only person in the world, other than Diego Alcazar, that Spinelli honestly and completely hated, and he would kill Spinelli with his bare hands and bruit strength alone if The Jackal did not act quickly.

"You've hurt my friend for the last time!" he said, trying not to show how terrified he was.

Logan smirked at him.

"Yeah? What are you gonna do, Spinelli? Huh? Are you gonna hit me, too? That worked so well the day Lulu found out I slept with Maxie."

Without being fully aware of what he was doing, Spinelli picked up a cue from the pool table and held it like a sword. Logan burst out laughing.

"Back off!" Spinelli said, channeling his fear, turning it into anger, adding it to the anger and hatred he was already feeling for this filthy pig.

His anger became rage as he saw Lulu out of the corner of his eye, still lying unconscious on the floor. He thought of Logan sleeping with Lulu and then with Maxie, prostituting himself just so he could satisfy his own sexual urges and hurt an innocent girl. Lulu had never done a thing to him and Logan had used her like a toy and then tried to keep her, as if she were a piece of property, when she tried to break away. It didn't matter in that moment that Lulu had decided to take him back. Today she had rejected him again and he was still trying to maintain his control over her. That was unacceptable and inexcusable.

"Wanna duel?" Logan asked, still laughing.

He picked up another cue and they began to fence. Logan was still laughing. Spinelli was too angry to laugh; he wanted to hurt Logan for what' he'd done to Lulu. Later, he would tell Lulu about the pool duel and they would both laugh about it, but that would not be for days yet, after the shock of everything that followed the duel had worn off.

Logan's condescending, smug, sarcastic laugh finally filled Spinelli's head and got on his last nerve. When it was accompanied by another look at Lulu's unconscious form, he broke the cue over Logan's head.

"Hey!" Logan yelled, surprised and angry.

"At least he's not laughing anymore," Spinelli thought with savage satisfaction.

Logan tried to spear Spinelli with his cue, but Spinelli dodged and ducked, moving too quickly for Logan, making it impossible for him to hit him.

"Stand still!" Logan ordered furiously.

"As if," Spinelli thought, panting from the effort and exertion of the duel and now trying to stay away from The Crabby Commando.

"I'm bigger and stronger than him," Logan thought furiously. "Why can't I handle one little-"

His thought was interrupted when he tripped over something and fell hard against the wall, hurting his head and shoulder.

"Ow!" he yelled.

Spinelli grinned, partly from satisfaction that he'd managed to wound his opponent and partly from relief that he'd managed to distract him. But it was Fair Lulu he had tripped over; Spinelli hoped Logan tripping over her didn't hurt her, too.

Logan also saw. He moved to try to pick her up. Spinelli couldn't let him succeed or he would get away with The Blonde One and try to hurt her again. He was angry enough to kill. Spinelli had seen that when he'd grabbed Lulu. He couldn't fail her. He would not lose her.

Logan had dropped his pool cue when he'd fallen, but Spinelli knew that wouldn't be enough to knock him out. The other one had hurt him when it had broken over his head, but it hadn't stopped him or even slowed him down.

But maybe he could use it the way Logan was intending to use it before, as a spear. He picked it up, reasoning that if he couldn't hurt Logan, he could at least distract him, stall him until the arrival of The Master.

"The Knuckle Scraper will not abduct The Blonde One!"

"What are you gonna do about it? How is The Jackal gonna stop The Simian One?"

He held the spear/cue in both hands and charged. Logan kicked him and his legs went out from under him. He landed hard on his back, dropping his weapon, which Logan took and broke in half. Then he moved for Spinelli slowly, wild eyes glaring menacingly. Logan wanted Spinelli to know and feel every painful thing that was going to happen to him in the last moments of his life.

"Do you know what I'm gonna do? Do you know how I'm gonna make you pay for costing me my girl? Let me tell you."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a switch blade and flicked it open. He held it before Spinelli's eyes, still slowly moving towards him, showing him the sharp, gleaming blade.

"Did you ever see the movie It?"

Spinelli didn't answer.

"Did you?" Logan demanded, pointing the blade at Spinelli's left eye.

Spinelli nodded.

"Remember the part where Henry starts to carve his name into the fat kid's stomach?"

"No," Spinelli thought, fighting panic.

Logan smiled evilly.

"That's right. You're gonna die with the name Logan Hayes forever branded on your gut. I'll carve it, then I'll cut your throat from ear to ear."

Spinelli was breathing hard now, fighting not to hyperventilate, too scared to move. How could he get out of this? He was afraid for himself, but more afraid for Lulu and Maxie. Lulu would be at Logan's mercy if he died and Maxie couldn't lose anyone else she cared about. She cared about Spinelli and Lulu. He didn't want her to have to grieve anyone else, and he didn't want her to lose her baby. He knew that any stress could cause Maximista's Innocent One great peril.

He had to find a way out of this mess! He was beginning to think stone Cold wouldn't get here in time to save them; it was up to The Jackal to save The Unconscious Blonde One, and himself.

Logan was still halfway to him; he stopped, showing him the blade every time he spoke, making his approach even slower, even more terrifying. It was that cocky mistake that cost him his life.


	14. Emotional Shock

The first thing Lulu was aware of was a loud bang. Her head hurt. What had happened? Had she been in another car accident?

She lifted her head and saw Logan lying in a pool of blood. Spinelli was on the floor, too, on his back.

"Oh God!" Lulu cried. "Spinelli?"

"No," she pleaded silently. "No! Spinelli can't be dead!"

"Blonde One?"

Spinelli was distracted from the sight of Logan lying on the floor, felled by Stone Cold's bullet, by Lulu's frantic cry. He crawled over to her, not trusting his legs. He was in shock. He'd been inches away from death, and even worse, from having Logan Hayes's name forever imprinted on his stomach.

The scene, played out in every gory detail in his head, reminded him of a character in a book he'd read once. This character practiced the art of anthropomancy, the studying of living entrails to get a name or location. The only way to counteract the procedure was to die before the cut was complete and the artist could ascertain the information he wanted.

"Oh thank God!" Lulu cried. "I thought you were dead; I thought he killed you!"

Spinelli felt sick with shock, relief and fading fear.

"Are you two OK?" Jason asked.

They both nodded.

"Is Logan alive?" Lulu asked in a small voice.

Jason bent down, checked for a pulse, then shook his head.

Lulu suddenly went pale. Images, sounds, scents and voices flooded her mind.

"I never wanted kids," Luke said with a scotch in his hand. "That was Laura's doing."

"Prove my innocence," Laura begged as they took her back to Shadybrook.

"I killed you," Nikolas said to his dead fiancé, Emily.

"I made a bet with Logan. If he could get you into bed with him, he could sleep with me," Maxie said smugly.

"I would never wanna cause you a single nanosecond of pain!" Spinelli pleaded after Lulu had screamed at him because Logan had hurt her and she'd run away.

"I want Johnny Zacchara dead!" Sonny screamed at Jason as Lulu and Johnny stood outside, listening intently.

"I could totally go for a guy like Spinelli," Georgie said at Kelly's.

"I just want you to want our baby," Dillon said.

"I told you that Logan Hayes was trash," Lucky said.

Everything was rushing back to her. It was too much. The sights and sounds, and the smell of blood, in the Penthouse were mingling with Lulu's past, which was rushing over her like an out of control water fall. She was terrified. Logan was dead. Everyone she knew seemed to be speaking in her head all at once, and they were either worried about her, angry with her, pleading with her to help them or confiding in her something she should have taken seriously but hadn't paid much attention to because she was too wrapped up in herself.

"Lulu, what's wrong?" Jason asked.

"Is it your head?" Spinelli asked, reaching her and putting his hand on her shoulder. "Did the Simian-"

"It's too much!" Lulu cried. "There are too many images and sounds! Please, Spinelli, make it stop!"

That last was a terrified scream.

"I don't understand!" Spinelli said, fighting his own panic again.

"Do you remember?" Jason asked Lulu.

"I remember everything, but it's all coming back too fast! Please, help me!"

As more and more voices, sounds, smells and images came, overwhelming her, she fainted.

"Blonde One?"

Spinelli sat up, forgetting his own shock for the moment. Jason bent next to them and took Lulu's wrist. Spinelli's first thought was that Logan had killed her, that her head injury had been severe enough to end her life.

"She's alive," Jason said calmly. "The shock just made her faint."

Spinelli sighed with relief and helped Jason move her to the couch. Her head was bleeding, but Jason said the cut wasn't severe enough to require stitches.

Spinelli ran to the kitchen for the ice pack. Jason stayed with Lulu until he got back, then stood up.

"I'm gonna call the police and an ambulance."

"You're not gonna dispose of the body?" Spinelli asked, mildly surprised, but still distracted by shock and fear for his friend.

"This is legit. I shot an intruder who tried to kill you and Lulu. Besides, we can't call an ambulance for Lulu without making up a story if I dispose of the body and Lulu's unconscious; she'd tell the truth when she woke up because she'd be too confused not to and wouldn't know our cover story."

Spinelli nodded absently.

"You sure you're OK?"

"Yeah, but The Blonde One needs medical assistance."

Jason nodded and took out his cell.

Lucky wouldn't let Spinelli ride with Lulu in the ambulance. He was holding Spinelli responsible for Logan's actions and the fact that Lulu was unconscious again. Jason tried to reason with him, but as usual, Lucky was irrationally convinced that he was right and nothing would convince him otherwise. So Jason stayed as close to the ambulance as legally possible as he drove to the hospital.

Spinelli was uncharacteristically silent in the passenger's seat. Jason understood and didn't try to get him to talk. The poor kid had been through a lot in a short amount of time.

The past hour kept replaying itself in Spinelli's head. Logan had harassed them at Kelly's, then they had come home, where Lulu had told him she was in love with him. Then Hurricane Logan had hit and now everything seemed to be running on a loop. The fight kept replaying itself over and over again in his head. He kept hearing the thud as Lulu's head hit the pool table, and then the fall as she hit the floor. He kept hearing Logan's smug, arrogant, crazily happy voice as he described what he was going to do to Spinelli. Stone Cold had arrived just in time; the gun shot had been deafening for a few seconds. If not for him, Lulu and Spinelli would both be dead now.

But when he'd seen Lulu faint again, all those unwanted feelings came back. He did love her; he couldn't deny it. But what if it was the shock making him feel this way? He couldn't tell her he loved her and then discover later that he was reacting to the shock of what had happened tonight and not his true feelings. If that happened, he would be the one braking Lulu's heart. He couldn't do to her what she'd done to him.

Besides, her memory had come back. It was possible that she didn't even remember the last few months, or telling him she loved him. He had to fight these feelings. He couldn't risk his heart, or their friendship, based on something she may not even remember anymore, or something she had only thought she'd meant when she didn't remember the rest of it.

At the hospital, Jason insisted that Spinelli be checked for injuries. His back was bruised from where he'd landed on it, but otherwise he was fine. As soon as he could get away from the well-meaning life-saving ones' ministrations, he ran to see how Lulu was doing.

"I told you," Lucky said, barring Spinelli's way to her room, "I don't want you anywhere near my sister!"

"Lucky," Nikolas began.

"No, he got her into this situation!"

"How was I supposed to know The Crabby Commando would attack her?" Spinelli demanded angrily.

"Your beef is with me," Jason said, "not with Spinelli! Now grow up and let him see his friend!"

"He's right, Lucky," Leslie said firmly. "Do something productive and go try to get a hold of your father instead of taking out your fear on Spinelli. He's been there for your sister over the past few months in a way that we couldn't be. She's gonna wanna see him and we're not gonna prevent that! Go in, Spinelli."

"Thank you," he said, giving her a grateful smile as he past her and went into Lulu's room.

"Sometimes this happens when someone regains their memory," Patrick said. "They get overwhelmed, and adding emotional shock on top of that-"

"But you said an emotional shock would trigger her memory," Nikolas said.

"Yes, but now she not only has to deal with her returning memories, but with the shock of what happened with Logan."

Lucky glared at Spinelli and Leslie and Nikolas glared at Lucky.

This wouldn't have happened if she'd been with me," Lucky insisted.

"You're right," Lainey said. "If she hadn't been with you she might not have gotten her memory back. You would have kept her protected, but at the same time you would have been pressuring her to remember, whether you meant to or not. Lulu made the decision that she felt was best for her. Spinelli has been supporting her without pressuring her; you couldn't seem to do that."

"I tried," Lucky said defensively.

"But Spinelli succeeded," Leslie said. "The rest of us failed."

"What do we do for Lulu now?" Nikolas asked.

"We wait," Patrick said. "But I think we should limit her visitors to one at a time; we don't wanna overwhelm her any further."

Lucky asked to be the first to sit with her, so everyone else went outside. All any of them could do now was wait and encourage her to come back.


	15. Lulu's Dream

She found herself sitting in the boat house. Something was on her left foot. She looked down to find a brown dog lying there, grinning up at her. It was the dog's head resting on her foot. Something was familiar about it, something about the gentle brown eyes.

"Hi," she said, bending down to pet the dog.

"Greetings, Blonde One," the dog said in Spinelli's voice.

Her hand jerked back and her breath caught. What was going on here?

"Don't worry," he said reassuringly. "I'm not really The Jackal; I'm just your interpretation of him."

"What?"

"I'm The Jackal you wish Spinelli was."

"What are you talking about?"

"You want him to be me."

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"It will."

The dog stood up and Lulu saw that there was a leash attached to his collar.

"Take the leash and let me lead you."

"Why not?" Lulu thought. "This couldn't possibly get any stranger."

The dog led her to Kelly's, where she saw herself and Spinelli having an argument.

"I'm telling you the truth!" Spinelli pleaded.

"If you keep this up you're gonna wreck our friendship!"

"Logan Hayes made out with Maxie Jones!"

Lulu left Kelly's in a huff.

"Why didn't he just keep quiet?" the dog demanded.

"You mean why didn't he just let me go on thinking what I wanted?"

"You went on thinking what you wanted, anyway, but he shouldn't have tried to change your mind!"

"Why not?"

"You didn't want him to."

"But I was wrong."

"It doesn't matter. I mean, you wanted to be right."

"What kind of friend would he be if he didn't try to get me to see the truth?"

"A loyal one, like me!"

He led her to Jason's penthouse, where Lulu was screaming at Spinelli.

"I can't believe that you would do this!"

"I am truly sorry! I would never intentionally cause you a nanosecond of pain or embarrassment!"

"Well, did you think for a nanosecond that it would completely humiliate me?"

"He looks so hurt and confused."

"Well, of course he is; he's too dense to know that you didn't want anyone to know and that was why you ran away!"

"Don't talk about him like that!"

"It's true! I would never do that to you! The Jackal you want The Jackal to be would never-"

"Why do you keep saying that? Spinelli is The Jackal, not you, and he's the best friend I've ever had!"

"But he doesn't support you!"

"He's been my only real support over the past few months!"

"Yeah, but what about there? Why would he tell everyone what Logan did?"

"I was the one who ran away! I made everyone worry, including my best friend, and all because I couldn't face up to my part in the deal! Spinelli and everyone else tried to warn me, but I had to be right, so I refused to listen. It was my fault Spinelli was put in that position, not his!"

He led her to the Wyndemere Stables, where Lulu was arguing with Spinelli again. She wanted to go after Anthony Zacchara and he was trying to talk some sense into her.

Lulu wanted to slap her other self as she headed for the door, completely ignoring Spinelli as if he mattered nothing to her.

"You can't leave," Spinelli said, sounding firm but looking hurt and scared for her.

"Watch me," she said in a defiant, uncaring voice.

"Why doesn't he just let you do what you want?" the dog demanded, frustrated.

"You want him to let me get myself killed?"

"He took away your freedom of choice when he knocked you unconscious!"

"Well, it was a good thing for me that he did or I'd be dead now!"

"Isn't that what you want?"

"What? No! Why would you think that?"

"You keep putting yourself into situations like that, no matter what anyone tells you. I mean, if that's what you wanted, I'd be obedient and loyal enough to let you do it, but if Spinelli can't do that-"

"Then he's the loyal one, not you, and I don't want him to blindly obey me!"

"Are you sure?"

The brown eyes looked hurt, and it was exactly the same look of hurt that she saw in Spinelli's eyes every time she became angry with him for trying to protect her from her own stupid impulses.

"I mean, you don't want Spinelli to do everything you want? You don't want him to think, feel, say and do what you do?"

"Of course not!"

"But if he doesn't obey your every order, how can he be your friend?"

"Good friends try to keep their friends from doing something they know will hurt them or someone else. Good friends don't do what I did; they don't hurt their friends just so they can have their own way! I was a selfish brat and I'm lucky that Spinelli didn't throw me away months ago!"

"But I would have done anything you wanted!"

"If Spinelli had done everything I wanted, I'd be dead! Anthony would have killed me if Spinelli hadn't knocked me out, or maybe Johnny's handlers would have killed me to keep me away from him if Spinelli and Jason hadn't come looking for me."

"But he humiliated you!"

"Logan humiliated me! I was a game to him and then instead of going to Spinelli, my best friend, like any normal person would do, I decided to punish Logan by running away. I not only punished Logan for what he did to me; I punished everyone who loves me for being right. I was wrong and I was lucky it didn't get me killed, on several occasions."

"What about this?"

He led her back to Kelly's. This time Spinelli was telling her about the evidence he and Maxie had that pointed to Logan as the Text Message Killer.

"The Wounded Blonde One?" Lulu asked incredulously with a laugh in her voice. "She's really done a number on you!"

"She is wounded," Lulu said.

"Please," the dog said. "How can she possibly be wounded? Hearts get wounded and she doesn't have one!"

"You can't possibly be any kind of representation of Spinelli," Lulu said angrily. "Even when Spinelli and Maxie hated each other he never would have said something so cruel and untrue about her!"

"But it's what you used to think."

"It is," Lulu admitted with shame, "but I don't think that way anymore. Spinelli saw then what I see now. Maxie is hurt and scared. She lost her sister and her boyfriend, and her boyfriend before she got involved with my brother was killed right in front of her; she's lost so much! Spinelli saw that and managed to make her become the person he knows she can be. Maxie was a better friend to him in the months between Georgie's and Coop's deaths and my accident than I ever was. Georgie was there for him before she died every time I punished him for being the good friend I kept telling him he was when I wanted him to do what you do and always agree with me and always let me do what I want, regardless of the consequences."

"Then he's a better friend than me?"

"He's the best friend I could ever ask for. You're a pale imitation of a human! Even when he was in love with me he would never have been like you."

"Spinelli is The Jackal. I'm his Jackal side, at least in your mind. I'm the obedient one, the one who would never defy his Fair Lulu. Spinelli is the one who defies you at every turn."

"Spinelli is The Jackal in Cyberspace, and when he's unsure of himself or trying to protect himself. He's not a real dog; you are."

"So I'm a good dog, but he's a good human and you don't want him to be like me?"

"That's right."

"Then you don't need me anymore," he said sadly.

The leash disappeared. She bent down to pet him again.

"Thank you," she said.

He licked her face, turned around and walked away with his tail between his legs.

She turned back, but Kelly's was gone, and so was Spinelli. She was in a dark void. She was lost! Suddenly afraid she would never find her way back, she willed herself back to the boat house, praying that she could find her way back in the dark.


	16. Clean Slates for All

Lulu bolted upright.

"Relax," Nikolas said gently. "Everything is fine, Lulu."

"Where's Spinelli? I need Spinelli, the real Spinelli, not that horrible figment in my dream!"

"Figment?" Spinelli asked from the doorway.

"Thank God!" Lulu breathed.

Spinelli nodded.

"Thank all the Gods and Goddesses the Blonde One is once again conscious!"

Nikolas smiled. Lulu thought there was a trace of sadness in the smile.

"I'll leave you two alone to talk."

"Thank you," Lulu said as Nikolas left, smiling at her.

"I've got my memory back," she said quietly.

"Does that mean you remember everything that happened before the accident?"

Spinelli hoped his tone was casual, conversational, but he could hear the note of apprehension. He was sure she was going to start yelling at him again for telling her Logan might be The Text Message Killer.

She sat up and held her arms out.

"Come here."

He did, surprised and a little confused. If she remembered everything, why did she want to hug him? She rubbed his back as he put his arms around her. Her tone was oddly gentle.

"I remember everything, before and after the accident. I remember the past few months. I remember everything you've done for me."

"But what about-"

"It doesn't matter. If I'd listened to you in the first place none of that would have happened, including the accident. I know I've hurt you and I'm so sorry. I had no right to do stupid things and then take my bad judgment out on you."

"Blonde One, you've said all this before, but-"

"I kept doing it; I know. But you were the only person I knew without a doubt that I could trust when I lost my memory. You never once lied to me; you never even exaggerated. I know that for sure now because I remember everything that happened before."

"You were already confused; I wasn't gonna let my personal feelings interfere with your recovery."

"You and Jason were the only ones who could keep that from happening. I know now that everyone else tried, but they just couldn't handle it. They wanted their Lulu back; you and Jason and Maxie accepted me for who I was."

"Stone Cold did the same for me."

She nodded.

"I didn't, did I?" she asked sadly. "I kept telling you that you were my best friend, which is true, but then I kept expecting you to be my loyal little lap dog."

She grimaced.

"I had no right to order you around and tell you what to think and feel just because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it."

Spinelli couldn't think of anything to say.

"I meant what I said before Logan showed up and decided to attack us. I love you, and not just as a friend. Getting my memory back hasn't changed that."

She noted the reluctant skepticism on his face.

"You still don't believe me?"

"I- I want to, but I just- I- I don't wanna be hurt again. What about Johnny? What about Milo? Dillon's moved away and Logan's dead, but they-"

"Johnny gave me the space I needed and I'm grateful for that, and Milo and I- my memory loss just made things uncomfortable for us. You were the one who stuck by me. Milo tried to be friendly, but it was obviously forced. He was just too weirded out by the whole thing. I don't blame him; he really did try. He just couldn't do it. You never left me once and you were the one who had a right to just write me off and forget about me after the horrible way I've treated you, and that goes back to before Logan; that goes back to the paternity secret. I had no right to-"

"Don't, Blonde One; you've apologized for that, once before and once after you lost your memory. It's over; I forgave you."

"You've never abandoned me. I abandoned you. I ignored you. I got mad at you for being a good friend. I tried to manipulate you. I wasn't even there for you after Georgie died because I was too busy avoiding you so I wouldn't have to be honest with you about my attraction to Johnny. Even after I ignored you when you needed a friend the most you were still trying to protect me. You've jumped through every hoop I wanted you to jump through, no matter how unfair it was, and I just kept making you do it all over again. I treated you like an animal. Spinelli, come. Spinelli, sit. Spinelli, go away so I don't have to be honest with you. I was horrible and you never once broke off our friendship. If you had, I would have been the one to ruin it, not you. I'm grateful that I had that accident and lost my memory because it made me really see what you mean to me."

"You remember all that occurred before and you don't resent me again for telling you that The Crabby Commando-"

"It's not your fault that I took the information you were trying to use to protect me and decided I was gonna trash your protection just so I could have my own way for the millionth time! Have you ever heard someone say that when you eavesdrop you might hear something that you don't wanna hear?"

He nodded.

"That's what happened when I went rushing over to Logan's apartment. I found stuff I didn't wanna find. If I'd listened to you in the first place that never would have happened. I had to be right and God help you for daring to prove me wrong. I was such a witch to you!"

He opened his mouth.

"Don't defend me; it's true. I couldn't have made it through the past few months without my memory if it hadn't been for you. I've never been a good friend to you and you've never once called me on it. All you've ever tried to do is protect me and I've spat in your face every time."

"Why are you putting yourself down like this?"

"Because I had a dream while I was unconscious that showed me everything I've done to you and everything you've done for me."

He looked confused.

"What did you mean about a horrible figment of me?"

She told him about the talking dog and everything he said about the real Spinelli, and everything she'd seen and heard in the dream. She told him how the dog agreed with her blindly and trashed her best friend and everything the real Spinelli stood for.

"A most disturbing dream, indeed."

She nodded.

"I don't wanna be that person anymore, Spinelli. I don't want you to obey me blindly just because it's me, just because I want something. If it's gonna hurt me, I want you to force me to listen."

"But every time I do that-"

"I treat you like dirt. No more! I'm never gonna do that again!"

She tightened her arms around him.

"I love you. I'm not asking you to take my words at face value, not after everything I've done to you. All I ask is that you give me a chance to prove it. Let me have the chance to prove I'm worthy of you."

"Worthy of me?"

"You've proven your worthiness over and over and over again. I've never done that and you still considered me your friend. Please, let me have the chance to be more."

"I don't know. What about your attraction to Johnny? I mean, is that not still present?"

"What happened with Logan tonight has turned me off bad boys forever. Maybe Johnny is a bad boy with a good heart, but someone else is gonna have to bring that out in him, or better yet, he's gonna have to show it himself without someone else trying to change him. I need to change myself; so does he. No one else can do it for us."

He wished he could accept her proclamation of love. She could see that he was still afraid to trust what she was saying. She couldn't blame him.

He wasn't trying to be difficult, but she'd picked Logan over him when he was clearly bad for her. What if another Logan came along? He didn't want to risk his heart with her again only to have her crush it with another Logan Hayes or Johnny Zacchara.

"Will you think about it? Please?"

"That I can do."

They smiled at each other. She kissed his cheek.

"Can you please send Lucky in? I need to talk to him."

"Of course."

While she talked to Lucky, Spinelli went to talk to Maxie. He needed different perspectives on this. Should he take a risk with Lulu again? Maxie remembered everything from before and after. What would she think?

"She should be resting," Mack said, glaring at Spinelli.

"I'm fine, Dad," Maxie said as Spinelli looked at her with concern.

"Maxie, you're on bed rest for a reason."

"I'm in bed and I'm resting. Spinelli wants to talk to me. I don't have to get out of bed to talk."

"Don't stay too long," Mack ordered before leaving the room.

"No, Sir."

"What's up?"

Spinelli told her the entire story, beginning with dinner at Kelly's with Lulu.

"Before she lost her memory I would have told you to avoid her at all costs, but this experience really does seem to have changed her. We've all changed over the past few months. We all have a chance for a fresh start. Maybe you two have a chance for a romantic start."

He ran his fingers through his hair. He wished he could Jackal the answer, but this was a life problem and he knew he would not find a solution in Cyberspace.

"I understand why you're being careful," she said gently. "Lulu did a number on you."

"And in turn, I did a number on Georgie."

"It wasn't your fault. How were you supposed to know she was in love with you? Most girls don't even look at you because they don't have the brains to see the real you. Lulu does now, and so do I. But you're like a brother to me. You're my best friend, but I don't have any romantic feelings for you."

He decided to make a confession.

"I did for you, for a brief moment."

"You did?" she asked, surprised and flattered.

"Remember that day in Kelly's when I tried to get away from you and you thought it was because I hated you?"

She nodded.

"I was trying to get away from you because your close proximity was causing me to have- fantasies. They were not sex fantasies by any means," he said quickly, afraid she would get angry or disgusted. "I would never allow them to get that far."

She was slightly disappointed.

"Then what kind of fantasies were they?"

"They were like a black and white PI movie. I was Humphrey Bogart and you were the girl who comes to me for help."

She grinned.

"I'm flattered. That's really cool! So what stopped the fantasies."

"Lulu's accident, your pregnancy, reality just got in the way."

"That makes sense. Listen, I can't tell you what to do about Lulu. You're the only one who has a right to make that decision. But I'll support you, whatever you decide."

"What would you do?"

"I would run screaming in the opposite direction, not because it's Lulu; I honestly don't hate her anymore. But because this is someone who'd hurt me before. If it was Kyle, for example, there's no way I'd ever give him a second chance. But you've given her countless chances as her friend; she said that herself tonight, didn't she?"

He nodded.

"So maybe you should give her a chance romantically. Do what she asked. Think about it. Go with your feelings."

"Thank you, Maximista."

He kissed her cheek and left, first giving her baby bump a gentle rub.

"Lucky left an envelope on the table for you," Jason said when Spinelli got home.

"Thanks."

He opened it curiously. Why would Lucky be leaving him anything?

It was a book and a note from Lulu.

"Spinelli, this is my journal from the time between the accident and tonight. Please read it while you're thinking about my request to prove my worthiness. Maybe it will help you decide. I love you."

The next day, he read the journal cover to cover. She really did love him now. Maybe they did have a chance. He went to the hospital to return the journal and to speak to her.

"Have you decided?" she asked hesitantly.

"I do love you. Everything you've written in here says you feel the same way. Can we take things slowly? Can we not rush into anything? I- I wanna make sure you have the chance to- to change your mind before I fall too deeply, and I know I can do that. I just want us to be careful."

"We have a chance then?"

He nodded.

She sat up and pulled him to her, hugging him tightly and kissing him.

Later that year, on the anniversary of Georgie's death, Lulu waited at the boat house, knowing Spinelli might need her later. For now, he was at Georgie's grave with Maxie.

While they were visiting Georgie's grave, Robin was sitting with both her new-born daughter, Emma Grace, and Maxie's son, Cooper Jesse Barrett, nicknamed CJ. Spinelli called him the Honored One because he was named after two deceased heroes.

Lulu smiled sadly. She knew today was painful for Maxie and Spinelli and wished she could do something to help them.

"I wish Georgie could see CJ," Maxie said tearfully.

"She can," Spinelli said, fighting back his own tears.

"I miss her so much!" she sobbed.

"Me, too."

She hugged him, burying her face in his shoulder. On the way back, he decided to ask something that had been bothering him as this date approached.

"Do you think she'd be upset about me being with Lulu?"

"No," Maxie said honestly. "Georgie loved you, Spinelli, and she'd want you to be happy, even if it wasn't with her."

He nodded. Georgie had gone to Lulu once and tried to make her understand that if Lulu got hurt, Spinelli would be devastated. She had told him later that that was the last thing in the world she wanted for him, which was why she'd gone to see Lulu.

He dropped Maxie off at home and went to the boat house, knowing Lulu was waiting for him there. She had fallen asleep and he didn't want to wake her. He sat down, intending to do some work for Jason, when he found a folder in his messenger bag on top of his laptop. Then he remembered that he'd put it in there this morning, intending to honor Georgie by rereading her last words to him. He took out the folder and began to read.

Lulu woke about half an hour later and looked over at him. He was deep in thought and she knew instinctively what he was reading. Not for the first time, she cursed Lucky for letting Spinelli know about that file. Lucky had wanted to hurt him. He'd brought the folder to him with the soul intention of trying to force Spinelli into confessing to a crime he would never have committed against anyone. Now the file was both a source of comfort and a source of deepest pain for Spinelli.

"Hey," she said gently, standing up and going to him.

He looked up and she saw the tears he'd been fighting since visiting Georgie's grave. He'd been strong for Maxie, but he missed his friend and deeply regretted the pain expressed in these letters, the pain he'd caused her.

Lulu held him silently as the tears began to spill out of his eyes. This was the first time she'd ever seen him cry.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when she died. I was so wrapped up in myself at the time and you needed me."

"I hurt her," he said softly.

"You couldn't have known."

"She couldn't tell me."

"She understood," she said, stroking his hair.

He was suddenly overcome with a sense of peace. The source was not him, or Lulu. He suddenly knew with absolute certainty that Maxie was right. Georgie wanted him to be happy, and he was happy with Lulu. She would look down on them as their love continued to grow and Spinelli knew for the first time that he could love his Blonde One without guilt or regret.


	17. Epilogue: December 17, 2012

Spinelli beamed as he stood beside Jason, his best man. Emma threw the flower petals as CJ held the pillow that held the ring. He and Lulu had taken the long way on the path to their romance, but they'd finally reached the ultimate destination.

She was so beautiful! He couldn't believe she'd chosen him. He'd tried so hard to get her to fall in love with him, then accepted the fact that she never would. Then she'd lost her memory and fallen in love with him and he'd almost refused to risk everything again.

Not for the first time, he sent a silent thank you to Georgie. He firmly believed that she'd taken Lulu's memory temporarily to remind her of what she had. That loss had given her and Spinelli the push they needed to be together, which had always been Spinelli's deepest desire, even when he'd forced himself to deny it. Georgie wanted Spinelli to be happy, and he knew she'd been the one to facilitate the events that led to this day.

That had been the reason he'd picked today to get married. He and Lulu had asked Maxie if it would be OK with her, worrying that she would be hurt that they'd picked the anniversary of her sister's death as their wedding day. Maxie had tearfully said she couldn't think of a better day. She and Spinelli agreed that they'd spent enough time being sad on this day, and that Georgie would want them to make a happy memory to balance the sadness. She also agreed, with gratitude, to be Lulu's Matron of Honor.

Lulu smiled as she walked down the isle to her groom on her father's arm. Laura, who had recovered miraculously shortly after Lulu had regained her memory, beamed at both of them. Nikolas and Nadine looked happy; Lucky looked stone-faced. Sam cried silently; she always cried at weddings.

She looked over at Spinelli's Granny, who gave her a gentle smile. Granny looked over warmly at her grandson.

"You've grown into a fine man, Damien Spinelli," she mouthed, "and I'm sure you'll be a fine daddy someday."

Spinelli nodded to acknowledge that he'd heard her. Lulu saw his face light up. Praise from Granny was rare.

As she reached him and the minister began to speak, Lulu also thanked Georgie. Spinelli's conviction that it had been Georgie who had put him and Lulu together was absolutely unshakable. She'd lost count of how many times she'd thanked whatever higher power for the accident that had given her back her self and led her to the true love who had been there even when Lulu had denied him. She never lost sight of the fact that she'd almost thrown him away because of her own selfish decisions. Today she would promise him again that she was his forever and that as husband and wife, each would be the other's most trusted and loyal friend.


End file.
